Thursday, April 15, 2004
*you.. you broke my heart before i had a chance to fall in love*
grade
fuckin. i cant stop thinking about you. i dont understand. ryan was over before, and we played dr mario and listened to brand new, and then we put in the cd he made me with this errortype:11 song i love and also stuff from merciana and lifetime.. and i love lifetime, bc they bring me back to the old days, but they sooo remind me of you. whenever i hear them im like imagining you listening to them. or i see you walking up my driveway with yr hands in yr pockets and yr shoulders shrugged close to yr body, and the way you walk with yr head down.. and then you finally look up and yr green eyes meet mine and we smile and our eyes flash.. how sheepish you always look, yr seemingly unending supply of black hoodies. whyyyyyy? and then i think about the future. i imagine that when im on li, you'll drop by all the time. but you wont. and if you do, it'll be for the same reasons that you stop by now. my therapist says hope is always the last thing to die. and that im overly hopeful all the time. not necessarily optomistic, i dont *know* things will be different, i just *hope.* which sucks. i cant even think straight. i didnt hear from you today, i didnt get any messages or anything. tomorrow yr playing upstate. then im working all weekend, and i thought perhaps id come home and try to see you but why would i do that? im sure you've had yr fill for now, and you can go back to yr regular life. it looks like no europe for you, but still. you'll be gone all summer. i hope i meet someone new while yr far away and i can forget the way you make me feel.
my mouth tastes weird, i ate a lot of things that dont really go together. i shall wash it all away with cherry coke. maybe ill go to bed soon. what is the point of being awake if its just thoughts of what will never be what i want it to be... i can sleep away the pain, cos i smoke it away while im awake. thus, another sign of my complete immaturity.
grade
fuckin. i cant stop thinking about you. i dont understand. ryan was over before, and we played dr mario and listened to brand new, and then we put in the cd he made me with this errortype:11 song i love and also stuff from merciana and lifetime.. and i love lifetime, bc they bring me back to the old days, but they sooo remind me of you. whenever i hear them im like imagining you listening to them. or i see you walking up my driveway with yr hands in yr pockets and yr shoulders shrugged close to yr body, and the way you walk with yr head down.. and then you finally look up and yr green eyes meet mine and we smile and our eyes flash.. how sheepish you always look, yr seemingly unending supply of black hoodies. whyyyyyy? and then i think about the future. i imagine that when im on li, you'll drop by all the time. but you wont. and if you do, it'll be for the same reasons that you stop by now. my therapist says hope is always the last thing to die. and that im overly hopeful all the time. not necessarily optomistic, i dont *know* things will be different, i just *hope.* which sucks. i cant even think straight. i didnt hear from you today, i didnt get any messages or anything. tomorrow yr playing upstate. then im working all weekend, and i thought perhaps id come home and try to see you but why would i do that? im sure you've had yr fill for now, and you can go back to yr regular life. it looks like no europe for you, but still. you'll be gone all summer. i hope i meet someone new while yr far away and i can forget the way you make me feel.
my mouth tastes weird, i ate a lot of things that dont really go together. i shall wash it all away with cherry coke. maybe ill go to bed soon. what is the point of being awake if its just thoughts of what will never be what i want it to be... i can sleep away the pain, cos i smoke it away while im awake. thus, another sign of my complete immaturity.
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