is it too late to heal?

i had stuff to say before, but i seem to have lost it. candace and i watched the last disk of queer as folk the first season tonight. i am so lost now. we are going to try to rent them from blockbuster, but ugh we have to do work this week and what will we do without sexxxxy brian? die, thats what.

i had class today, and i really thought about just staying in bed instead. but i went and it was cold. we had a good discussion in the class, which was nice, bc i usually hate it. i have class tomorrow also, im reading fast food nation.. and it was cute bc i was sitting on the train coming home, reading about all the crap at mcdonalds and reliving my late teens when i suddenly craved mcds and got some as soon as i got off the subway. im such a bad anti-corporate girl, but its right across the street and already prepared and im soo lazy....

i have mucho crap to do, like look into my thesis but instead i have been slacking bc im scared. i should email jan lewis but i havent done that either. i shall be very very sorry that is for sure. i want to write my cover letter for my resume tomorrow.. i really need to get my ass in gear, i'll be sorry when i cant get a job and my life sucks.

i took the path to wtc today. it was an experience that i was not quite ready for. i was on the train, considering whether i should just get off at grove st and transfer to the 33rd st train.. but really it makes no sense when i can skip all the stops in manhattan and just catch the E at chambers.. instead of taking the V to queens, or the D to the E to queens.. and i got home earlier than usual, so i think it will be my new system, but still. its eerie in there, and i shuddered the whole time. i had to stop and call my mom cos i was freaking out a little bit. i know its been over two years, but my mind still freaks out just being there. i get all quiet and still and its like everything stops.. i always feel like its winter, when i go there. i try to avoid that area at all costs, its so desolate to me, and it holds nothing but bad memories. nick and i used to look up at the wtc and look at the lights in it, to see if we could discern faces or shapes in the patterns. then it was gone. i guess ill only have to do it a few more times, since i wont be going to school much anymore, except for the library and whatnot.. but still, its hard.

other than the slight anxiety, i have had a lack of significant emotion. i drunk messaged the enigma the other day (note i did not qualify it with the term "my" this time) and i havent heard from him since. i only said "im so drunk. and i miss you." also monday morning i sent him one and he replied asking how my day was and i said it had just begun and that i wished he were there. and i asked when we were gonna quit our jobs and stay in bed all day. but then i sent him a message today saying that it was cold and i needed some hugs to warm me up and he didnt respond. i was like boo but im not sad.. i really do miss him, and i can still feel the hugs when i think about it and remember how it felt and how happy i was and all that crap. but. there is the her involved and i am a terrible person. maybe its just that im still nervous that everything is going to get in the way again, bc i know from experience that he withdraws when things become intense and when there is an ultimatum, he will certainly not chose me. i have good reason to believe that if she found out, and she said "her or me" he would be like "YOU YOU, ill forget her!" because he did once before. or well, he tried to forget me, only it didnt work and he thought about me for five years without seeing me or hearing about me..... who even knows. i think about this wayyyy too much and i need to stop or else i will go crazy.

maybe i already have....