Tuesday, December 09, 2003
*if theres no way, why'd you lift yr eyes at all, why did you fill my head up with junky, junky?
why do i put up with this every damn night, who the hell do i have to fight, how could you fill my head up with junky, junky?* weston
*so honestly, how could you say those things? when you know they dont mean anything, and you know very well, that i cant keep my hands to myself, hands to myself.. i wanna hate you so bad, but i cant, but i cant stop this, any more than you can.. and this is all wrong, and it shows theres certain i promised not to let you know. not to let you know. never let.. never let you.. never. you've got this silly way of keepin me on the edge of my seat, but yr only counting the clock against the train, and im miserable. and yr just getting started. im miserable, and yr just getting started. youve got me right where you want me. lets never talk, lets never talk, lets never, lets never talk about this again bc i didnt want it to mean that much to me, i didnt want it to mean that much to me.. anyway, yah.* taking back sunday
*if you could see what i can see when i see you grin at me, but its alright, its just a game, its all a mysterious game to you. you are so retarded, i must be retarded too, yr afraid of what i started, i guess you didnt want something new. everything is so retarded, expected more after all that we've been through, i cant believe it, i cant believe it, im still in love with you. whatll we do, what to do? they told me not to bother, to parlay, to vous. i should leave but my damn love won't, so used to this, where else could i go? ... i just cant believe yr so retarded.* weston
so obble. i was just listening to this mixed cd i made like 8 months ago and it has such wonderful songs on it. weston and tbs and against me! and cursive mmm.. and im missing chuck big time right now. i feel like listening to old weston and moping. i remember the goldfinger/weston/reel big fish show in january 1997. i met andrew from rbf and he wrote this obscure thing in my journal, something like "i loved yr band, you were great, you rock!" i also met chuck there, i gave him a piece of blue trident (i still have the wrapper) and he wrote in my journal: "will you pleeeaze be my date to the bible dance <3 chuck." he made this beautiful demented boy heart. and i was in heaven. then he left the band. when i interviewed them for my zine, dave said that chuck left "to go to vampire school." jim signed my journal that time: "no parole for rock n roll - jimmy." we chatted and the interview went well, then i hailed them a cab, bc dave kept trying to hail the ones with passengers already. but then i went to their last ny show with tom and chaz and some other folks, and we saw jim and jesse eating pizza in the place next door, and they were being assholes to the homeless man in there, and i lost so much respect for them. im still sad though. the massed albert sounds wasnt so good, but got beat up and splitsville and all those other records were soooo gooooooood. i still LOVE "redhead girl." i remember listening to "little mile 94" on the bus my junior year of high school, and how it reminded me of me and kurt all the time.. "shes just the kinda girl, who talks to fast for me to understand, shes just a little mile no problem.. and i spend half our time trying to convince her that im not her man, but when the long walk home comes it makes me lose my breath. i'd walk a little mile for her, no more no less. the more she rages on the more tired i get id walk a little mile for her.. the closer she gets to me the more lost i gotta get." maybe it reminded me of him bc it comes on right after "just like kurt." haha.
so now im listening to "real life story of teenage rebellion" and "fafi" is on. so good. "if i didnt have so much hopes for us, if i didnt dream so much, i cant throw my dreams away, what would i have but nothing and i dont wanna think about nothing no more." this is one of the best cds ever ever ever. hear that? ever.
*she asked me what love meant, and i couldnt explain. we were at the candy store, so i bought her a candy cane. she said 'is that what love means to you, something that'll melt away? something thats gone as fast as it comes, another nice word to say?'* weston
that was redhead girl, which is not on this cd. "feet" is on, and im having memories of jamie gates and she loved that song.. its so funny, cos jimmy just does back ups on it, he wasnt the front man yet, it was mostly chuck and dave singing.. so good though. ugh. im like dying of memories from 1996 and 1997.. inundated with memories, and all the songs about karen, or that mention her. who was karen? hmm.
anyway. i had therapy today, and i was telling her about my conversation with kim last week, and how i was telling her (kim) that we had a lot in common with shasta, and i guess kim asked me if i was gonna be friends with her, and i was like.. you know what, no. i mean, i like her, and im happy that we can have fun and we have a lot in common, but i wish this had happened two years ago, when i first met her, rather than now, when im getting ready to relocate to long island, and i dont want there to be another person i have to say goodbye to. and i guess she (my therapist) realized that im going in 8 months and she was like "i cant believe yr leaving. i thought you would always be here, and that we'd always have our sessions.." and i got sad bc im gonna miss her, she was like "you'll have to not teach on tuesdays to come here and have our session!" but it made me feel good, i was like "aw, jenn loves me!" at first i hated going and i thought nothing was getting accomplished and that she was judging me, but now shes like the only person i see on a regular basis, and im going to want to cry when i cant see her anymore. i was telling her about my guest complaint, and she was like "i dont even know how you deal with these people!" and i said "yah, but you have to deal with crazy people, like me" and i made this crazy face and said "im crazy!" and she was hysterical. its like fun with mental health.
*a fly by, perhaps, a drink or so, a dance, a chat, and then you let me go, cos mine's not a galaxy for two.* this was always my favorite weston song. for a minute "my favorite mistake" crept into the number one position, and when i listen to "punk rock mix tape," which i made in 97, i still get a little crazy bc that tape has sooo much fabulous shit on it, like the halflings and the disenchanted...
oh now "feelings stupit feelings" is on, which should be the anthem of the enigma. "its getting late its almost 4 oclock and theres no way i can be here in the morning, cant let the sun sun shine on me, leaving this house, i know, i know i should have left the minute i felt horny.. i dont know what i want, i dont have to tell her what i want, but feelings stupit feelings, screaming, none of us want to be alone, that stupit feeling, im heading home.. shes playing with my hair, i wish i had no hair im supposed to get her to knock it off.. i cant pretend im asleep i wish i was safe within my own bed without the threat of love."
im so here there everywhere right now. EVERYWHERE. i want to get up and dance, i want to write weston letters and demand that they do a reunion show, and demand that they play all of their fabulous songs. and i think they should play it with plow united. because the weston/plow split 7" had he-man on it. and plow were soo good. i saw them at some showcase, and i think it was the go-kart showcase where i first saw silent majority.. and i was up front being like "lighters!" but they said they dont play that anymore and i was like boo.. then i saw them again at the beach, they played with the howards and splurge (i think thats the show where i was standing on a picnic table with juan, and i saw joe and i almost fell off the table bc my heart skipped and i was scared bc he was with suzanne..).. and oh my. i want to stay in 1997 forever and ever and ever.
*when i asked her what she, what she thought of me, she said, "ah lovely, fragile february."*
so i took like an hour to write this, its all babble and wheeee. im sober and hyper and ready to face the world. or get fucked up. im betting ill choose the latter though.... we shall see. xoxo.
why do i put up with this every damn night, who the hell do i have to fight, how could you fill my head up with junky, junky?* weston
*so honestly, how could you say those things? when you know they dont mean anything, and you know very well, that i cant keep my hands to myself, hands to myself.. i wanna hate you so bad, but i cant, but i cant stop this, any more than you can.. and this is all wrong, and it shows theres certain i promised not to let you know. not to let you know. never let.. never let you.. never. you've got this silly way of keepin me on the edge of my seat, but yr only counting the clock against the train, and im miserable. and yr just getting started. im miserable, and yr just getting started. youve got me right where you want me. lets never talk, lets never talk, lets never, lets never talk about this again bc i didnt want it to mean that much to me, i didnt want it to mean that much to me.. anyway, yah.* taking back sunday
*if you could see what i can see when i see you grin at me, but its alright, its just a game, its all a mysterious game to you. you are so retarded, i must be retarded too, yr afraid of what i started, i guess you didnt want something new. everything is so retarded, expected more after all that we've been through, i cant believe it, i cant believe it, im still in love with you. whatll we do, what to do? they told me not to bother, to parlay, to vous. i should leave but my damn love won't, so used to this, where else could i go? ... i just cant believe yr so retarded.* weston
so obble. i was just listening to this mixed cd i made like 8 months ago and it has such wonderful songs on it. weston and tbs and against me! and cursive mmm.. and im missing chuck big time right now. i feel like listening to old weston and moping. i remember the goldfinger/weston/reel big fish show in january 1997. i met andrew from rbf and he wrote this obscure thing in my journal, something like "i loved yr band, you were great, you rock!" i also met chuck there, i gave him a piece of blue trident (i still have the wrapper) and he wrote in my journal: "will you pleeeaze be my date to the bible dance <3 chuck." he made this beautiful demented boy heart. and i was in heaven. then he left the band. when i interviewed them for my zine, dave said that chuck left "to go to vampire school." jim signed my journal that time: "no parole for rock n roll - jimmy." we chatted and the interview went well, then i hailed them a cab, bc dave kept trying to hail the ones with passengers already. but then i went to their last ny show with tom and chaz and some other folks, and we saw jim and jesse eating pizza in the place next door, and they were being assholes to the homeless man in there, and i lost so much respect for them. im still sad though. the massed albert sounds wasnt so good, but got beat up and splitsville and all those other records were soooo gooooooood. i still LOVE "redhead girl." i remember listening to "little mile 94" on the bus my junior year of high school, and how it reminded me of me and kurt all the time.. "shes just the kinda girl, who talks to fast for me to understand, shes just a little mile no problem.. and i spend half our time trying to convince her that im not her man, but when the long walk home comes it makes me lose my breath. i'd walk a little mile for her, no more no less. the more she rages on the more tired i get id walk a little mile for her.. the closer she gets to me the more lost i gotta get." maybe it reminded me of him bc it comes on right after "just like kurt." haha.
so now im listening to "real life story of teenage rebellion" and "fafi" is on. so good. "if i didnt have so much hopes for us, if i didnt dream so much, i cant throw my dreams away, what would i have but nothing and i dont wanna think about nothing no more." this is one of the best cds ever ever ever. hear that? ever.
*she asked me what love meant, and i couldnt explain. we were at the candy store, so i bought her a candy cane. she said 'is that what love means to you, something that'll melt away? something thats gone as fast as it comes, another nice word to say?'* weston
that was redhead girl, which is not on this cd. "feet" is on, and im having memories of jamie gates and she loved that song.. its so funny, cos jimmy just does back ups on it, he wasnt the front man yet, it was mostly chuck and dave singing.. so good though. ugh. im like dying of memories from 1996 and 1997.. inundated with memories, and all the songs about karen, or that mention her. who was karen? hmm.
anyway. i had therapy today, and i was telling her about my conversation with kim last week, and how i was telling her (kim) that we had a lot in common with shasta, and i guess kim asked me if i was gonna be friends with her, and i was like.. you know what, no. i mean, i like her, and im happy that we can have fun and we have a lot in common, but i wish this had happened two years ago, when i first met her, rather than now, when im getting ready to relocate to long island, and i dont want there to be another person i have to say goodbye to. and i guess she (my therapist) realized that im going in 8 months and she was like "i cant believe yr leaving. i thought you would always be here, and that we'd always have our sessions.." and i got sad bc im gonna miss her, she was like "you'll have to not teach on tuesdays to come here and have our session!" but it made me feel good, i was like "aw, jenn loves me!" at first i hated going and i thought nothing was getting accomplished and that she was judging me, but now shes like the only person i see on a regular basis, and im going to want to cry when i cant see her anymore. i was telling her about my guest complaint, and she was like "i dont even know how you deal with these people!" and i said "yah, but you have to deal with crazy people, like me" and i made this crazy face and said "im crazy!" and she was hysterical. its like fun with mental health.
*a fly by, perhaps, a drink or so, a dance, a chat, and then you let me go, cos mine's not a galaxy for two.* this was always my favorite weston song. for a minute "my favorite mistake" crept into the number one position, and when i listen to "punk rock mix tape," which i made in 97, i still get a little crazy bc that tape has sooo much fabulous shit on it, like the halflings and the disenchanted...
oh now "feelings stupit feelings" is on, which should be the anthem of the enigma. "its getting late its almost 4 oclock and theres no way i can be here in the morning, cant let the sun sun shine on me, leaving this house, i know, i know i should have left the minute i felt horny.. i dont know what i want, i dont have to tell her what i want, but feelings stupit feelings, screaming, none of us want to be alone, that stupit feeling, im heading home.. shes playing with my hair, i wish i had no hair im supposed to get her to knock it off.. i cant pretend im asleep i wish i was safe within my own bed without the threat of love."
im so here there everywhere right now. EVERYWHERE. i want to get up and dance, i want to write weston letters and demand that they do a reunion show, and demand that they play all of their fabulous songs. and i think they should play it with plow united. because the weston/plow split 7" had he-man on it. and plow were soo good. i saw them at some showcase, and i think it was the go-kart showcase where i first saw silent majority.. and i was up front being like "lighters!" but they said they dont play that anymore and i was like boo.. then i saw them again at the beach, they played with the howards and splurge (i think thats the show where i was standing on a picnic table with juan, and i saw joe and i almost fell off the table bc my heart skipped and i was scared bc he was with suzanne..).. and oh my. i want to stay in 1997 forever and ever and ever.
*when i asked her what she, what she thought of me, she said, "ah lovely, fragile february."*
so i took like an hour to write this, its all babble and wheeee. im sober and hyper and ready to face the world. or get fucked up. im betting ill choose the latter though.... we shall see. xoxo.
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