Friday, January 02, 2004
...will you ever know... how much i love you... -mineral
so happy new year! so far, so fuckin good. new years eve was blah, as usual. antonia came and picked me up at 9, to get me out of this hellish city.. we drove to LI, ate some pizza, got dressed up and went to this party.. it was all middle aged metalheads. very bizarre. very uncomfortable. i was the designated driver, but she didnt drink there anyway. we only stayed for like 35 minutes. we left 5 minutes before midnight, as i hate being with strangers when the ball drops. they feel the need to hug me and kiss me, and im like "ugh, i dont even KNOW you!" so we vamoosed.. and we celebrated the new year in front of my high school, driving. fabulous. went back to my house, and i was sad bc no one called me (though i found out later that everyone called, but that sprint sucks and the network was busy all night..). antonia drank a few cocktails called a white lady.. gin, ick. anyway, so she got drunk and talked to the kitties, and kept trying to hold them while they were stalking each other, and they scratched her. i was like "no sympathy, yr being dumb." but she was sleepy so she went to bed, and i followed shortly thereafter. watched the ball drop on leno, you know for the california people or something it was 3 am. the timing was terrible this year. the ball got all the way down like 10 seconds before midnight. failures.
so yesterday we got up and went to the mall. i went to bath and body works, bc i had a gift certificate. i got like 4 body sprays, one is mango mandarin and very yummy.. i spent $116 at h&m.. i got this beautiful pinstriped mini skirt. i cant wait till its warmer. i swear im wearing it to the next alkaline show! i got a cute white shirt, and black pants, a striped shirt.. a black v-neck t-shirt.. and a red zippy thing. yay. then we went to the secret mmmm i got some cotton undies for work and three pairs of the new low rise underpants, since i am like 9 lbs and all my pants are waaaaay big and low now. then we went to the diner and we were drinking our coffee, getting set to go get our stuff and head back to the boroughs when zzzzzzz my phone vibrates... guess who? the enigma. he asked what i was doing that night, and was i still on li.. so i was like "antonia, i suck, but im not going back." of course she understood bc she knows how much he means to me, and she said she'd hang out with glenn in farmingdale and get me in the morning. super best friend, she is.. he asked if i wanted to watch a movie, and i was like YES!!!!! we were gonna go to the movies, but then he suggested that we just rent one, which i was all for, cos you cant cuddle at the theatre. so he came and got me, and poor boy really was sick.. turns out he was all nauseas and shit bc he OD'd on cough syrup, he took the full measuring thing.. he was like "you know, i figured 'im an adult, i'll take the whole capful,' but i got sooo sick at work, my head was spinning so i went home and passed out, then my mom came home and she told me to look at the bottle, and the adult dosage was only half a capful. oops." but he was all coughing and i felt bad for doubting his sickness.. anyway so we got to blockbuster, and we looked at the movies. he wanted to rent wrong turn, bc of elija dushku (spelling?). so we were gonna get it, but then he was like "oh i kinda want to see this" and it was 28 days later. so we got that instead. went home, popped it in, and the cuddles began. mmmm good hugs! it was so nice, all tangled and cozy. i rubbed his belly and we were like awww mmmm YAY.. (only kim undstands when i talk in sounds, but who cares, i dont care if you understand me so there! ehehe).. the movie was gory so i didnt watch most of it, i had my head on his shoulder and i was laying half on top of him, and snuggly and YAY.. so it ended abruptly, and i was like hmm ok lets watch tv now. so we hooked up the cable to the tv and resumed cuddles. i talked to my mom for a minute, then cuddled some more. then he took off his sweater and he was like on top of me and i was melting, i was like.. tense tense tense, please kiss me, please kiss me.. please? so we laughed and cuddled and he went to kiss me, then he was like "i dont wanna get you sick" so i said "shut up!" and i kissed him.. and it was over. over! sigh. then we just laid there together, and he fell asleep.. i watched him sleeping, he makes these adorable sounds and snores ever so lightly every so often. i couldnt sleep yet, it was only midnight, so i just laid there with him, watching him sleep, breathing his smell. i figured i would get up and take out my contacts, but in doing so, i woke him. i told him id be right back and he laid down like he would be there when i got back, but when i returned, realizing that id forgotten my saline in the city (bc i was only supposed to stay one night), he was getting dressed. i was like nooooo stay here. but he said he couldnt, bc he had to work. so i said he didnt trust me to make him go to work and he said he did, but he didnt trust himself, bc hed wanna stay in bed with me.. and i said "well, we will quit our jobs and stay in bed all day!" and he said "that would be perfect." so i pulled him back into my bed with me, but he said he had to go. i walked him out to the car, and we stood outside, hugging.. and he kissed me (like he meant it), and it was such a big deal to me (it always is), i was like "dont let this end, please stay" (the cure).. and he was shivering, and i kept holding him to warm him up and i said "could we have a slumber party soon?" and he said we could, and i said "in brooklyn? i got a new feather blanket!" and he said yes, in brooklyn. but then i was like "well, i'll see you in a month and a half" and he was like "no" so i said "two?" and he was like NO! then he said "i see you whenever i can.." and i was like "i know, im not like demanding anything.." i feel bad though, bc really, im not.. and im busy too. i think he forgets that the times he is free, im always working.. like the monday before last he wanted to meet up so i could shop with him, but i was working.. and tuesday i was working also.. there have been lots of times that hes messaged me in the morning, "what are you doing today?" but i have to work.. so .. my biggest fear is that he will think i am demanding more than he can give me, but its not like that. i see him when i can, he sees me when he can.. and those times are amazing, full of hugs and cuddles and adoration. they are quite enough. i mean, i liked it a lot when he was here once a week, but thats not feasible right now, hes always on the road, or working, or whatnot. which is why i hold onto this hope that when im on LI, things will be different. he'll be able to see me after work, without worrying about driving an hour to get home at 2 am, and be at work at 8... bc hes always like "i dont wanna come out there just to have to leave." 7 more months, gille.. 7 more months.. so anyway we hugged again and we kissed again he was was like "its freezing.." and i kept rubbing his amrs to warm him, and i said "so go!" and he was like "hey ok" and i was like "no stay, but you have to go...." and i told him to let me know when he got home.. he did, he messaged: "im home thanks for hanging out tonight you were so comfy. goodnight sweetheart." and i melted. my heart was screaming, my bed still held his smell and i wanted it to last forever, five more minutes, just come back.. just let me wake up beside you...
but anyway, so far 2004 has been gorgeous. i saw him on the first day of the new year which was all i needed. also i was kinda happy bc it seemed like he was alluding to the fact that perhaps he isnt with the girl......... just some things he said, like that he didnt have time for girls bc hes always playing or working.. and when we were driving to blockbuster, he said that he hadnt really eaten in two days bc he doesnt eat when hes alone, and i was wondering why if he had the whole day off, he wasnt with her.. who knows though. i dont want to ask. i remember last march.. he said he obviously wasnt in love with her, bc he wanted me.. and maybe he isnt, and i think that maybe she wanted too much from him, too much time that he cannot give her. and if he was shopping for her, then why would he want me to shop with him? who knows though, seriously. there has to be something to this, seven years of feelings, seven years of missing each other, seven years of built up everything that might culminate in something wonderful.. but might not. i dont think i want to know if they are still trying to work things out. i think i want to stay in this la la land where he is too busy for a girlfriend, but sees me when he can and when i can. (because in the back of my mind, i keep repeating, over and over.. 'i think you are what ive been waiting for all my life...')
so happy new year! so far, so fuckin good. new years eve was blah, as usual. antonia came and picked me up at 9, to get me out of this hellish city.. we drove to LI, ate some pizza, got dressed up and went to this party.. it was all middle aged metalheads. very bizarre. very uncomfortable. i was the designated driver, but she didnt drink there anyway. we only stayed for like 35 minutes. we left 5 minutes before midnight, as i hate being with strangers when the ball drops. they feel the need to hug me and kiss me, and im like "ugh, i dont even KNOW you!" so we vamoosed.. and we celebrated the new year in front of my high school, driving. fabulous. went back to my house, and i was sad bc no one called me (though i found out later that everyone called, but that sprint sucks and the network was busy all night..). antonia drank a few cocktails called a white lady.. gin, ick. anyway, so she got drunk and talked to the kitties, and kept trying to hold them while they were stalking each other, and they scratched her. i was like "no sympathy, yr being dumb." but she was sleepy so she went to bed, and i followed shortly thereafter. watched the ball drop on leno, you know for the california people or something it was 3 am. the timing was terrible this year. the ball got all the way down like 10 seconds before midnight. failures.
so yesterday we got up and went to the mall. i went to bath and body works, bc i had a gift certificate. i got like 4 body sprays, one is mango mandarin and very yummy.. i spent $116 at h&m.. i got this beautiful pinstriped mini skirt. i cant wait till its warmer. i swear im wearing it to the next alkaline show! i got a cute white shirt, and black pants, a striped shirt.. a black v-neck t-shirt.. and a red zippy thing. yay. then we went to the secret mmmm i got some cotton undies for work and three pairs of the new low rise underpants, since i am like 9 lbs and all my pants are waaaaay big and low now. then we went to the diner and we were drinking our coffee, getting set to go get our stuff and head back to the boroughs when zzzzzzz my phone vibrates... guess who? the enigma. he asked what i was doing that night, and was i still on li.. so i was like "antonia, i suck, but im not going back." of course she understood bc she knows how much he means to me, and she said she'd hang out with glenn in farmingdale and get me in the morning. super best friend, she is.. he asked if i wanted to watch a movie, and i was like YES!!!!! we were gonna go to the movies, but then he suggested that we just rent one, which i was all for, cos you cant cuddle at the theatre. so he came and got me, and poor boy really was sick.. turns out he was all nauseas and shit bc he OD'd on cough syrup, he took the full measuring thing.. he was like "you know, i figured 'im an adult, i'll take the whole capful,' but i got sooo sick at work, my head was spinning so i went home and passed out, then my mom came home and she told me to look at the bottle, and the adult dosage was only half a capful. oops." but he was all coughing and i felt bad for doubting his sickness.. anyway so we got to blockbuster, and we looked at the movies. he wanted to rent wrong turn, bc of elija dushku (spelling?). so we were gonna get it, but then he was like "oh i kinda want to see this" and it was 28 days later. so we got that instead. went home, popped it in, and the cuddles began. mmmm good hugs! it was so nice, all tangled and cozy. i rubbed his belly and we were like awww mmmm YAY.. (only kim undstands when i talk in sounds, but who cares, i dont care if you understand me so there! ehehe).. the movie was gory so i didnt watch most of it, i had my head on his shoulder and i was laying half on top of him, and snuggly and YAY.. so it ended abruptly, and i was like hmm ok lets watch tv now. so we hooked up the cable to the tv and resumed cuddles. i talked to my mom for a minute, then cuddled some more. then he took off his sweater and he was like on top of me and i was melting, i was like.. tense tense tense, please kiss me, please kiss me.. please? so we laughed and cuddled and he went to kiss me, then he was like "i dont wanna get you sick" so i said "shut up!" and i kissed him.. and it was over. over! sigh. then we just laid there together, and he fell asleep.. i watched him sleeping, he makes these adorable sounds and snores ever so lightly every so often. i couldnt sleep yet, it was only midnight, so i just laid there with him, watching him sleep, breathing his smell. i figured i would get up and take out my contacts, but in doing so, i woke him. i told him id be right back and he laid down like he would be there when i got back, but when i returned, realizing that id forgotten my saline in the city (bc i was only supposed to stay one night), he was getting dressed. i was like nooooo stay here. but he said he couldnt, bc he had to work. so i said he didnt trust me to make him go to work and he said he did, but he didnt trust himself, bc hed wanna stay in bed with me.. and i said "well, we will quit our jobs and stay in bed all day!" and he said "that would be perfect." so i pulled him back into my bed with me, but he said he had to go. i walked him out to the car, and we stood outside, hugging.. and he kissed me (like he meant it), and it was such a big deal to me (it always is), i was like "dont let this end, please stay" (the cure).. and he was shivering, and i kept holding him to warm him up and i said "could we have a slumber party soon?" and he said we could, and i said "in brooklyn? i got a new feather blanket!" and he said yes, in brooklyn. but then i was like "well, i'll see you in a month and a half" and he was like "no" so i said "two?" and he was like NO! then he said "i see you whenever i can.." and i was like "i know, im not like demanding anything.." i feel bad though, bc really, im not.. and im busy too. i think he forgets that the times he is free, im always working.. like the monday before last he wanted to meet up so i could shop with him, but i was working.. and tuesday i was working also.. there have been lots of times that hes messaged me in the morning, "what are you doing today?" but i have to work.. so .. my biggest fear is that he will think i am demanding more than he can give me, but its not like that. i see him when i can, he sees me when he can.. and those times are amazing, full of hugs and cuddles and adoration. they are quite enough. i mean, i liked it a lot when he was here once a week, but thats not feasible right now, hes always on the road, or working, or whatnot. which is why i hold onto this hope that when im on LI, things will be different. he'll be able to see me after work, without worrying about driving an hour to get home at 2 am, and be at work at 8... bc hes always like "i dont wanna come out there just to have to leave." 7 more months, gille.. 7 more months.. so anyway we hugged again and we kissed again he was was like "its freezing.." and i kept rubbing his amrs to warm him, and i said "so go!" and he was like "hey ok" and i was like "no stay, but you have to go...." and i told him to let me know when he got home.. he did, he messaged: "im home thanks for hanging out tonight you were so comfy. goodnight sweetheart." and i melted. my heart was screaming, my bed still held his smell and i wanted it to last forever, five more minutes, just come back.. just let me wake up beside you...
but anyway, so far 2004 has been gorgeous. i saw him on the first day of the new year which was all i needed. also i was kinda happy bc it seemed like he was alluding to the fact that perhaps he isnt with the girl......... just some things he said, like that he didnt have time for girls bc hes always playing or working.. and when we were driving to blockbuster, he said that he hadnt really eaten in two days bc he doesnt eat when hes alone, and i was wondering why if he had the whole day off, he wasnt with her.. who knows though. i dont want to ask. i remember last march.. he said he obviously wasnt in love with her, bc he wanted me.. and maybe he isnt, and i think that maybe she wanted too much from him, too much time that he cannot give her. and if he was shopping for her, then why would he want me to shop with him? who knows though, seriously. there has to be something to this, seven years of feelings, seven years of missing each other, seven years of built up everything that might culminate in something wonderful.. but might not. i dont think i want to know if they are still trying to work things out. i think i want to stay in this la la land where he is too busy for a girlfriend, but sees me when he can and when i can. (because in the back of my mind, i keep repeating, over and over.. 'i think you are what ive been waiting for all my life...')
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