is it too late to heal?

couldnt sleep. im a great big ball of frustration right now. i guess maybe im lonely but im also like sad and sorry and all sorts of draining emotions that should leave me tired, but for some reason these things keep me awake at night. i was going through a box before, looking for a cd case, and i ran across this picture of chaz and i from my cousins wedding.. it was like may 2000, and we are all dressed up and smiling. smiling... the sober year of my life. i try to move past this, and realize that he told me he's better off without me, and that he made the right decision in walking away. but how can he say that? when his goal was to marry me? how can he hate me so much now, how can everything he felt for me have become so inverted? he hates me so much that he like wont even be my friend or an aquaintance. but maybe we couldnt even be friends. maybe things can never be the same again, maybe three years is too long to repair feelings that fell into disrepair. maybe if he did let me back into my life, i would be upset that things arent like they were.. maybe i would hate him for not being my comfort anymore, maybe we wouldnt be able to sit and watch skate videos without it being awkward. but maybe it would be love all over again. i spend so much time dwelling on the past, rehashing old sorrows and picking dead scabs. i was reading my green journal last night, i was looking for a piece of paper i thought i'd stuck in there.. and i came across some of the entries from when our relationship was falling apart. it makes me so mad, bc even then i knew what i was doing, i was consciously writing that i was pushing him away bc i was scared. its like i knew i was about to lose the best thing that ever happened to me. to this day, he is the brightest star that ever lit my sky.....