is it too late to heal?

hi. im so sleepy. i showered, so now im clean (yay) and im kinda bored. i think i shall go to bed soon. after snl. ive seen this one already, its with kelly rippa. its kinda funny. drunk girl was just on. this guy lou i know at school is a teacher, and he has a student who reminds him of drunk girl. i made some egg noodles before. they were good. i wanted spaghetti, but candace didnt refrigerate the sauce after she made pasta a week or two ago, so the sauce has gone bad. booo.. i played guitar for an hour or so. i looked at the chords page again, practicing chords. then i figured i dont even know if they sound right, so instead i just practiced moving my left hand and strumming. i listened to the beginning of "hands down" trying to figure out the notes, but the thing is its tuned differently, so its harder for me to get. but dont worry, i will get it. candace and i will have dashboard confessional sing alongs. and im gonna figure out how to play the yr coffin or mine song, too.. mm acoustic songs. dont think candace is coming home. im kinda bummed, bc i told her i told her i would be here tonight, and i saw her briefly this morning, but i have seen her for like an hour since she got home from texas. i emailed with my mom a bunch yesterday and today. she doesnt like the whole enigma situation. when i came upstairs with the VCR on thursday, she was upset with me. she was like "he's coming HERE?!? i thought you guys were going out!" she doesnt approve, she thinks he is "yanking my chain." thats a quote. she was like "i dont think you should see him, and i dont really want him here, but ok." so what if hes stringing me along? we all know this. i certainly know it, but i refuse to acknowledge it. it makes me happy to see him, so im willing to suffer for the 48 hours of bliss that ensue when he visits. im pretty much over the bliss now, ive gone back to the flatline existence i lead.. i think about him all the time. i mean, not constantly, but lots of things remind me of him and make me think awww. but its like, well.. im complacent over the whole situation. it doesnt make me sad anymore, it doesnt break my heart. maybe im learning to accept things for what they are. and maybe i accept him as a small dose of sunshine. ... but at the same time, the voice still nags me. the voices that come when my mind flashes to some abstract moment in time, his voice and my voice and smiles. ...

anyway. im kind of scared to go to sleep. everyone has been having chevy's nightmares lately, and im scared that ive internalized what they've been saying, and im gonna catch the bug. justin dreamt that he had tables and that he was walking out of the restaurant, and he kept feeling like "why am i leaving??" but he couldnt stop himself. or something, i dont remember the details.. then last night kim couldnt sleep because she kept waking up feeling like there were tables all over apartment, they were in her bedroom and she would wake up all frazzled, thinking that they were there, or in the living room. so she was saying that, and we started talking about our chevy's nightmares, and we all have the same one.. where we are at work, and we have so many tables, all over the whole restaurant, like 40 needy tables that yr just trying to get to, but no one understands, they glare at you while looking around the room hoping to order, and it starts to feel suffocating till you wake up and you realize that yr being haunted by the workplace in the most peaceful place you have.. sleep. thats when i know i need a break. too bad i cant afford one. i need to get out of here for a week. go to some place warm and bask in the sunlight for just a week, who cares where..

two more days of work.. three shifts (a double tomorrow) and then i get a day off. a day off! i cant wait. im going to shop i think, for groceries. i passed by the new balance store today (it was closed) and i didnt see any red ones :( so im gonna look online this week. i was gonna tonight but im not feeling it. i bought some stuff on amazon.com this week. some dashboard of course. mike says i need to get over dashboard bc they are for 17 year old girls. but i cant, im so emo lol. ("yr so emo, why dont you go cry about it?" - jesse).. i loooove the emo. while strumming my guitar tonight, i figured out the intro to penfold's "M." that was kind of fun. since thats my favorite. :) i think im too sleepy to continue this, so goodnight and wish me luck to keep away from the chevys nightmares...