is it too late to heal?

*i know i'm not you. sometimes i think i could be. thats the way it seems when i think about you. alone in my room, i dictate the way things should be. always in control, with or without you. i know it seems its not quite that bad. today it seems you were all i had. you dont need me around to get in the way. i sleep on the hope of a brand new day. all alone, im a supernuthin'. second best and always last in line. i might try, but im missin something. am i sick, or am i just a waste of time?*

thats from the embarassing wrecks. its funny, ive taken kurts words.. words that he wrote for me.. and made them my own today. im sad. i hate being sad.

he played cbgb tonight. he didn't tell me he was going to. in my neighborhood. again. this is the second time they've played cb's, and he didn't tell me. i waited all weekend, hoping he would send me some kind of message, telling me they were playing, and inviting me to come. nope. 8pm tonight, i gave in to the nagging sorrow, and i sent him a message.. "heard you were playing cbgb tonight. wondering why you dont ask me to come see you play anymore. guess i already know, but oh well. goodnight." he didn't respond.

so bart made me come out for a drink after work, although i've given up drinking. i ordered a margarita, took two sips and then gave it to bart. we chilled, bart, kim, chris ray, and i, for a while. mikey joined us. then kims friend tyler got there. bart and chris and mikey bailed to head over the studio to set up for recording. so i was left with kim and tyler, who have super history and have known each other for six years. so i was clueless to their nostalgia, and i wasnt drinking. i got a beer after a while, and i nursed it. kim got drunk, and i was bored. i didnt want to be there, and i felt stuck there making sure she was gonna get home alright. i talked to bart, and he said they were all heading home, so i said mikey and baxter should come and take kim home (they all live together) and she seemed mad, but i would be a bad friend if i left her there. she said she didnt want to go to tylers, she wanted to go home. i dont know, then she was insisting she would be fine to get home by herself. and i knew that was untrue, but i dont know, i felt like she was mad that i was sending her home. when mikey and baxter got there, i told her that it was up to her, and that i was no longer involved, bc i had to leave. i left it in their hands, which are pretty irresponsible hands. so i guess im still a bad friend. but whatever. i tried. and i wanted to be home by midnight, but didnt get here till 1!

there is nothing on tv, and the crossword was too hard. im kind of irritable right now. i thought mike would be on, he said he would prob come online tonight, but nope. so im stuck talking to victor. no one else is on right now. antonia was talking to me, but i didnt respond for a minute so she signed off. i hate that. bc i dont say brb. whatever. anyway. im bored. and im still kinda nagged about the whole cbgb thing. i think its more that im realizing that ive inflated him so much that i no longer see the ways in which he is evil. and that maybe im wrong to defend him all the time. kim took my phone and wanted to drunk dial him, and give him a piece of her mind. she told me she never wanted to see him again, and that if i ever brought him around, she would kick his ass. which kind of bothers me, bc i mean, even when i wake up and realize this isnt meant to be, i think i'll still want to know him and stuff.. and that would exclude him from lots of functions that i would probably like him to be at. like say we go out for my bday, i would want to invite him and not have drama bc my friends hate him. thats kind of the point where i got irritated with her and wanted to leave the bar. i mean, i know she does it bc she loves me and hates to see me sad, but at the same time, im like UGH kim, please.. its my life, dont bar me from people i want to know bc you dont approve.

think i will sleep. nothing else to do...