Tuesday, January 06, 2004
i want to be the girl with the most cake.
he only loves those things because he loves to see them break.
i fake it so real i am beyond fake.
and someday you will ache like i ache.
someday you will ache like i ache.
...*hole*...
im in this stupid rut. i was doing so well, i was living my life again, not thinking about him soo much. i think its bc i saw him. i suck at seeing him, im always fine after a few weeks. but when i do finally see him, im like all happy and i get so upset when it wears off. its like a fucking antidepressant. its like seeing him sets off the happy chemicals, like hes fucking cocaine or something. and i crash when i dont have the ecstasy anymore, its like i need him more or else i go through this anxious period. and i hate it. (*but when a drug becomes familiar, it fails to produce its effect...* adam ferguson wrote that in a history of civil society.) but right now, things between us arent even cool. i feel like maybe i shouldnt have said anything about the cbgb thing, but why should i keep it from him when he hurts me? didnt i learn from nick, who fucking made me feel like crap for him hurting my feelings.. i have to be stronger than that. im not gonna take abuse that way anymore, and im not going to bottle my emotions in order to avoid argument, and to keep myself on his good side in hopes that maybe he'll wake up and realize he can't live without me.. he sent me a message today.. not in response to my message last night or anything, but it said: "huh? i cant come out tomorrow bc im going out to dinner. was that message even supposed to be sent to me? bye." meanwhile, i sent him not one message today. in fact, he sent it at 3 pm, and i had only woken up at 230, and gotten straight into the shower. when i finished getting dressed, i saw that i had a short mail. and im busy tomorrow, so why would i ask him to come out here? i didnt sent a message to anyone today. i hadnt sent one at all today or yesterday, i sent kim a message on saturday, saying that the new balance store was closed, so i had to remain alienated from myself, and i would see her tomorrow.. friday i sent him one saying i hoped he was feeling better. so i have no idea when this mystery message was sent. i replied "what message? i havent sent you, or anyone, a message all day. i just woke up are you sure i sent it? are you mad at me?" bc why the hell was he like "bye." what did i do? if hes fucking mad at me for calling him out on not asking me to come see him play anymore.. what, are you mad bc im wising up? bc maybe i might be tired of being yr escape and yr fucking secret? i feel so confused. like one half of me is agonized and tired of straining to acheive some kind of affection from this boy who is in love with someone else, and the other half is struggling to hold on to our story, and holding on to this meaning something.. its like, if you love something, set it free.. you know, i set him free, i told him to fuck off in 1998, and i meant it, i never wanted to talk to him again, i was mean when we ran into each other at shows.. but four years later, he came back. and after i let him back into my life, after resisting falling in love all over again for six months, here i am again, feeling like i was gyped out of something, like the proverb is shit and it means nothing, bc yah he came back, but for what? to fuck with me again, to string me along and play games with my heart (woohoo boy bands).... not because it was meant to be. and im so stupid that the hopeful half always wins out over the realistic half. i can predict the future.. maybe i wont hear from him this week, maybe not next week either.. but by the third week, one of us will cave. he'll send me a message.. it'll say "just wanted to let you know i was thinking of you." and ill melt bc i do. or else i'll send him that message. and he'll respond all happy that i sent him a message. or maybe not. maybe its stupid and silly and maybe its out of steam and we dont have any hope left, maybe that was it, our last night or last kiss our last hug, i would hate to think that. i didnt have the feeling i get when im never gonna see someone again the last time we were together. and im usually pretty good with that, with feeling that this is it. why do i think and think and think? why cant i just get it and walk away and be that girl the learned from him once that i can turn and walk away, and that i can be a whole person without him, that i dont need the euphoric effects of spending time with him, that i can be something on my own?
fucking.. i dont know. im seething but im sad and its so hard to discern one negative emotion from another, i turn so introverted and icy and mean. i dont want to talk to anyone, i dont look people in the eye. tonight i went to the diner with kim after work and we babbled for a while, but it was somewhat pained bc we're both in this weird place right now.. but i got the anxiety thing so i felt crappy. i just wanted to go home and be by myself. i thought about locking myself in my room with my guitar, but i didnt feel like playing. maybe tomorrow. so i balanced my check book instead, and im like.. i dont know. just here, and in pain. when i get stressed and anxious, the whole right side of my body aches. i have a huge knot in the right side of my neck, my hip hurts. i know its like totally psychosomatic, but i cant help it.
my lungs hurt. i smoke too much. i need to turn my head off. im off work for three days. im sure that ill wake up early tomorrow, though, freaking out that im late for work. i do, however, have therapy, so i have to get up at 1030ish. i dont mind getting up for that, though. i might have a hard time tomorrow. i might cry. i dont want to, but i feel like we're gonna talk about him, and i will become so angsty and hopeless that the tears will come and make me feel like its never going to be okay again. i havent cried there in so long. maybe its time. maybe i need to reinvent myself. maybe i dont know who i am, or who i want to be. maybe im lost in a maze of tangled webs and broken promises...
or maybe im waiting to wake up..
he only loves those things because he loves to see them break.
i fake it so real i am beyond fake.
and someday you will ache like i ache.
someday you will ache like i ache.
...*hole*...
im in this stupid rut. i was doing so well, i was living my life again, not thinking about him soo much. i think its bc i saw him. i suck at seeing him, im always fine after a few weeks. but when i do finally see him, im like all happy and i get so upset when it wears off. its like a fucking antidepressant. its like seeing him sets off the happy chemicals, like hes fucking cocaine or something. and i crash when i dont have the ecstasy anymore, its like i need him more or else i go through this anxious period. and i hate it. (*but when a drug becomes familiar, it fails to produce its effect...* adam ferguson wrote that in a history of civil society.) but right now, things between us arent even cool. i feel like maybe i shouldnt have said anything about the cbgb thing, but why should i keep it from him when he hurts me? didnt i learn from nick, who fucking made me feel like crap for him hurting my feelings.. i have to be stronger than that. im not gonna take abuse that way anymore, and im not going to bottle my emotions in order to avoid argument, and to keep myself on his good side in hopes that maybe he'll wake up and realize he can't live without me.. he sent me a message today.. not in response to my message last night or anything, but it said: "huh? i cant come out tomorrow bc im going out to dinner. was that message even supposed to be sent to me? bye." meanwhile, i sent him not one message today. in fact, he sent it at 3 pm, and i had only woken up at 230, and gotten straight into the shower. when i finished getting dressed, i saw that i had a short mail. and im busy tomorrow, so why would i ask him to come out here? i didnt sent a message to anyone today. i hadnt sent one at all today or yesterday, i sent kim a message on saturday, saying that the new balance store was closed, so i had to remain alienated from myself, and i would see her tomorrow.. friday i sent him one saying i hoped he was feeling better. so i have no idea when this mystery message was sent. i replied "what message? i havent sent you, or anyone, a message all day. i just woke up are you sure i sent it? are you mad at me?" bc why the hell was he like "bye." what did i do? if hes fucking mad at me for calling him out on not asking me to come see him play anymore.. what, are you mad bc im wising up? bc maybe i might be tired of being yr escape and yr fucking secret? i feel so confused. like one half of me is agonized and tired of straining to acheive some kind of affection from this boy who is in love with someone else, and the other half is struggling to hold on to our story, and holding on to this meaning something.. its like, if you love something, set it free.. you know, i set him free, i told him to fuck off in 1998, and i meant it, i never wanted to talk to him again, i was mean when we ran into each other at shows.. but four years later, he came back. and after i let him back into my life, after resisting falling in love all over again for six months, here i am again, feeling like i was gyped out of something, like the proverb is shit and it means nothing, bc yah he came back, but for what? to fuck with me again, to string me along and play games with my heart (woohoo boy bands).... not because it was meant to be. and im so stupid that the hopeful half always wins out over the realistic half. i can predict the future.. maybe i wont hear from him this week, maybe not next week either.. but by the third week, one of us will cave. he'll send me a message.. it'll say "just wanted to let you know i was thinking of you." and ill melt bc i do. or else i'll send him that message. and he'll respond all happy that i sent him a message. or maybe not. maybe its stupid and silly and maybe its out of steam and we dont have any hope left, maybe that was it, our last night or last kiss our last hug, i would hate to think that. i didnt have the feeling i get when im never gonna see someone again the last time we were together. and im usually pretty good with that, with feeling that this is it. why do i think and think and think? why cant i just get it and walk away and be that girl the learned from him once that i can turn and walk away, and that i can be a whole person without him, that i dont need the euphoric effects of spending time with him, that i can be something on my own?
fucking.. i dont know. im seething but im sad and its so hard to discern one negative emotion from another, i turn so introverted and icy and mean. i dont want to talk to anyone, i dont look people in the eye. tonight i went to the diner with kim after work and we babbled for a while, but it was somewhat pained bc we're both in this weird place right now.. but i got the anxiety thing so i felt crappy. i just wanted to go home and be by myself. i thought about locking myself in my room with my guitar, but i didnt feel like playing. maybe tomorrow. so i balanced my check book instead, and im like.. i dont know. just here, and in pain. when i get stressed and anxious, the whole right side of my body aches. i have a huge knot in the right side of my neck, my hip hurts. i know its like totally psychosomatic, but i cant help it.
my lungs hurt. i smoke too much. i need to turn my head off. im off work for three days. im sure that ill wake up early tomorrow, though, freaking out that im late for work. i do, however, have therapy, so i have to get up at 1030ish. i dont mind getting up for that, though. i might have a hard time tomorrow. i might cry. i dont want to, but i feel like we're gonna talk about him, and i will become so angsty and hopeless that the tears will come and make me feel like its never going to be okay again. i havent cried there in so long. maybe its time. maybe i need to reinvent myself. maybe i dont know who i am, or who i want to be. maybe im lost in a maze of tangled webs and broken promises...
or maybe im waiting to wake up..
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