is it too late to heal?

im sleepy. funny, i only woke up 7 hours ago.. i stayed up till 830 this morning. my friend mike came over. he brought wine and we had some and he showed me a bunch of guitar stuff. i learned a scale, and i have practiced it so much that i can play it not looking now. YAY. its so cool, its like all of the finger movements from playing violin are slowly coming back to me. i'm kind of excited. i keep finding chords i like by just moving my fingers where i feel like putting them, and if i like it, i write it down. mike said most of the chords i like are atonal. i don't know what that means, but he said it was good, bc he likes the dissonant chords. i was like.. uh, yah. they sound good, i have no idea what that means lol. we watched the news for a while (bc it was the only thing on), and we learned that it was blustery outside. every single channel kept talking about how cold it is. it was like the top story. finally cartoons came on at 7am. he left here around 8, and i went to bed. it was fun though, i laughed a lot. i was a bad influence, i gave him gushers and bagel bites and chocolate pudding. he was like "do you eat anything besides junk?" and i was like "nope." heh heh heh. hanging out with gille will make you fat!i dare you to keep up with my eating ability!!

so tonight i also played guitar for a looong time. i woke up at 430. went to the store to get laundry detergent and life savers and cherry coke. i was thinking about doing laundry, but decided no. i talked to my mom for about an hour, ate cup o'noodles, ate yogurt. watched the king of queens and jeopardy and friends and that donald trump show, and ER. while playing guitar the whole time. unless i realllly got into a show, and then i kinda put the guitar down.. till a commercial lol. now im watching letterman, the guitar is laying beside me on the couch, im smoking a butt and drinking my beloved cherry coke. i have to go back to work tomorrow, but having the past three days off has gotten me ready to go back and be a part of the money making world again. i have only $1 left, and a pack and a half of cigarettes. i have a bunch of food, though, which i can eat and no starve. i have eggs and cheese and rolls, and some soups. cereal, oatmeal. i love having food in my house. i eat and eat and eat. then i dont eat for a while. you know. its the cycle of me having money and not having money. i have to go get a lot of shit taken care of this week. i cant believe i wasted yesterday and today at home, when i should have been getting my fingerprints for schools and getting my certification taken care of. but at the same time, i'm like, well.. they cant send my application till they get my transcripts, which will take a week. i have to fix my application, and i have to get a money order. but alas, now i have a package that needs to be picked up at the post office, so im forced to go there anyway tomorrow. i hope its the cds i bought. i got dashboard unplugged. i listen to them when im falling asleep, i always listen to the swiss army romance bc its acoustic and lulling. so i figured by getting the unplugged, i would be able to have some variety in falling asleep. i have an acoustic cure cd, too, but im not sure it would be as sleepable. chris' voice in dashboard just makes me feel at peace, kind of. its like my lullabye.

*cant you see how yr all torn at the seams, and yr better off without me?*

candace is housesitting this week. i have the whole place to my self. yah.. its not so much glory though. wish i had a hot boy to exploit it with. be as loud as we want ahahaha. yah.. only there exists not such a boy in my life right now. looks like its just me and my friend the guitar. *sigh*

i'm feeling a wee bit peaceful right now. i've been thinking a lot the past few days, spending time here by myself thinking about my life and the people in it, and the problems with it. i need to put things in order. i need to realize that i'm still the girl i was when i was happy, and that there are just negative elements in my life right now. i want to get out of new york city. i have this strange pulling inside me that says i should move to the midwest, but i know that is crazy. its just bc midwestern indie boys are hotttttt. i'll settle for li hardcore boys, though. they will certainly do. i need to get out from under the spell of the enigma.. im trying. i talked about it with mike yesterday, and i dont know, i really thought about things.. i feel like the first step was seeing him for who he really is, and for what he's actually doing to me. now i just have to detach from the feelings ive harbored for him and i can be free. but do i want to be free? i do, i dont. (im still in love with our story, im still pulled into his orbit when i think about him...) im afraid that when i let go is when he'll realize and then it'll be my fault.. my fault that we were never together, that would be awful. or would it be? would it be fulfilling, to let him down the way he has let me down time and time again? it could be...

im babbling. i think im through. to dream........