is it too late to heal?

its sunday again. its always sunday. its quite possibly the coldest night yet here, i have two blankets on and layers upon layers of clothes. the cold air is coming in through the AC thats mounted in the window. i need to seal it or something, bc this is crazy. i keep mistyping bc i cant really feel my fingers. no good. anyway. my runner boyfriend came over tonight. nothing happened. i was so confused. he was here for like half hour and i was like... ok. he was like "i think imma be on my way" and i was like... ok? it made no sense. i dont know if i was giving off weird signals.. so yah, it went not as i had planned, not that i really had anything planned, but i dont know. maybe its all for the better. but there was that whole thug appeal thing, you know? plus im really confused about why he just came to smoke. i kinda thought something would happen. i dont know what i expected, but hes all over me at work when we are alone, and its like once outside of that environment.. when we first got here he was sitting really close to me. i couldnt tell if he wanted to go out and do something, like he was asking me what i was gonna do, and then he was like "i cant believe yr gonna send me out walking." but i was like um, i didnt ask you to leave... maybe he expected me to make some sort of a move, but im not like that. whatever im so overthinking what would have only amounted to meaningless sex, but. maybe it was a sign that im really past those days, and that i can be really flirty with my thug at work, but in real life, i need to not be so irresponsible. who knows. ugh.

so now im just sitting in this icebox, shivering. i was trying to think of a way to be warmer, but i really cant think of anything. maybe it was the coldness of this apartment that ruined the mood. being that the kid didnt even take his coat off the whole time. we were in my room, and he was like "we should go back to the sala" and it too me like 2 times of him saying it to realize he meant the living room. i was like, "oh yah, hes hispanic." speaking of hispanic boys at work.. this guy silvio has been working there for the past two weeks.. and i think he was a runner way back when. and i think i had a thing for him. i can't figure it out, though. there was this one runner, back when i was new, and i was with nick.. and he looked really familiar, then yesterday i saw his name on the floor plan and it like shook me for a second, i was like "silvio ..... ?" because i cant remember that particular runners name. for some reason, i thought it was like an "m" name. and this kid is shorter than i remember the magic runner being. but his eyes are familiar. it was a really short time that he worked there, and i had a boyfriend so its not like anything ever happened, it was just like a weird connection. who knows. maybe this silvio character and i didn't get along, and thats what strikes me about him. again, who knows.

i need to figure out something to do. i called kim, but she didnt answer. now im just sitting here, cold. maybe ill move it to my room, and be cold there. there are no windows open right now, walter closed the window in the kitchen. the bathroom window is open, but the bathroom door is closed. i think the AC is the source of my problems. im thinking about covering it with plastic wrap......