is it too late to heal?

its warm in here tonight for the first time ever. im afraid to take my sweater off, bc im afraid that then i will acclimate to the room and be cold or something. i have a slight headache, and my heart is palpatating a lot tonight. when i was on the train it was flipping. cant wait to get health care and have my heart and lungs checked. im kinda freaking out bc sometimes i think it might be serious. what if i have a fifth valve, like my mother? what if i need surgery? its risky. i wish i had health care now, bc this is unsane. not even insane, but UNsane. seriously. i hate constantly worrying about my heart and its palpatations. im too young to be worried about heart disease. sometimes i wonder what would happen if my heart just stopped beating. for no reason, it just stopped. would i die immediately? would i know i was dying? death is my biggest fear. how about we dont talk about this anymore..

i feel like talking on the phone. thats bizarre, bc i almost never feel like talking on the phone. my hair is so dirty right now that it hurts to move pieces of it. like its just gross and been pulled back too muchand filthy. but its late noe, and i dont wanna go to bed with a wet head, so i think ill just sleep dirty and wake up early to shower before therapy tomorrow. blaaaaaah. i havent heard from the enigma in forever. i miss him. im afraid that its completely fallen apart. like i was upset about the cbgb thing, but at the same time, i still wanna HEAR from him. i just miss him. thats all.

im going to do the crossword puzzle. then im going to bed. because im sad.