is it too late to heal?

so i just got home from work. at like 5:15, kim comes over to me, and shes like "can i talk to you for a sec?" and i was like "yah" so we went over by the elevator to be sort of discreet. it was bizarre, bc she takes me over there, looks at me, and shes like... "i dont really have anything to say right now." im like "....." you know? she was like "i feel like i should say im sorry, but i dont know if i am ...." and i cut her off, i was like "you dont even understand. i dont care about what happened, i care that you chose not to tell me, and that you dont trust me enough to tell me something MAJOR like that. im not mad, im hurt" so whatever we kinda talkad about it for a minute, and i was just like.. you know, i tell you everything, i tell you about the boy even though i know yr just gonna yell at me and makeme feel like crap. and it does, bc you guys always make me feel like im an idiot for having feelings for him. but even though i know yr gonna tell me how much you hate him, and how disappointed you are in me, i tell you, bc yr my friend. and i guess if thats the case, then i need to reevaluate our friendship, and maybe not be so open.. but she was like "i hate to sound cliche, but its not you, it me, i didnt want to hear that, i didnt want to hear that i was stupid so i didnt tell anyone." only im not the person that says "yr stupid" for having feelings. i'd certainly be one to talk. i told her that im more mad at him for being so dishonest and for saying that shit to me, bc for a second, i actually believed that maybe in a parallel universe, we would be a smashing couple. i feel like he is just so disrespectful, like we were his FRIENDS, and he couldnt even respect us enough? only its like a struggle in my head, bc i can hear him saying "i respect you too much to ever hook up with you." but at the same time, does that mean that he *didnt* respect kim? either way it was dishonest, and disrespectful, and when he said all those things to me, he was probably trying to charm my pants off. whatever, i didnt give in anyway, i will not be one in his collection of girls. so i dont know, she said she was gonna call me when she got out of work, so i guess ill hear from her later.

my apartment smells like paint thinner or some other kind of chemical. its kinda awful, but i cant open the windows bc it like 1 degree outside. seriously, its like 14, but with windchill.. its fucking blustery out there. i smoked a cigarette, and my hands hurt from being exposed. im watching an old school episode of jeapardy!. the questions are way harder than they are now. but then again, maybe its just bc i know more current things, and these questions are more general knowledge. who knows, its harder thats all.

im hungry, i think. one of the line cooks always greets me by whining "yo tengo hambre!" bc im always hungry. then he goes "tu tienes hambre?" and i either go "no, no tengo hambre ahora. quesas luego" or "si!!! tengo mucho hambre!!!"

blahhhh.. i'll probably break out my guitar soon and play it while watching tv. i want to learn to move my fingers more quickly, so maybe i'll play the scale backward and forward a bunch of times.. YAY i got the final jeopardy question right! and only ONE of the contestants did! anyway, so i wanna learn "seamless (acoustic)" by grade. really bad. i listened to it like 7 times before trying to get the strum pattern perfect. im afraid that i'll have to play while listening to the song for a long time, bc i wont be able to memorize the strum pattern. not just of that song, but of any. who knows though. i have lofty goals. bart is going to give me a real lesson on tuesday. he said "lets make plans!" so we did, and im happy. but i think he is going to be stern with me. he used to give guitar lessons in college, so he'll probably teach me like a student. bah. that'll probably be good for me, but the lessons will be few and far between, so i need to like do a lot of learning myself.

anyway. im gonna eat something and watch wheel of fortune, even though its my least favorite game show ever. maybe more later..