Saturday, April 10, 2004
*peaceful in yr voice.. melts me when you smile.. to prove this distance [?].. i wear for you this ring.. dont tie yrself to me.. in tears i cannot wipe away.. dont tie yrself to me.. in tears.. solace in the night.. lift yr eyes, goodbye light.. light.. dont tie yrself to me.. in tears i cannot wipe away.. dont tie yrself to me.. tomorrow we'll be gone..*
inside <3 <3
bleh. welcome back gille! hehe. ive been on hiatus for a bunch of days. i wonder what i said last. i should perhaps check, so i dont leave anything out, or repeat meself. hmm ok. well. i went to VEGAS! that was fabulous. sort of. it also sucked a lot. i kind of went with the wrong people. but i suppose i will get to all that.
monday: got up a bit late, and ended up having to RUN to the PO to pick up cory's gus gus.. (candaces sister is cory, shes havin a baby in like a month, his name shall be gus so i got her a gusgus from cinderella on eBay).. went to meet kim in the city at h&m, and guess what, she overslept, so she hasnt packed yet. grr. so instead of shopping, we end up having to run to kew gardens and pack her. we did that as quick as we could.. got on the subday to jamaica.. we got our manicures (SO WEIRD!) and then we got on the airtran to jfk. had a drink at the bar in the airport, and then we got on the plane. apparently we were being too rockstarish, derek was sort of drunk/hungover and he fell trying to go to the bathroom. ok, what happened was our flight was delayed like an hour bc of runway traffic.. and we werent leaving the gate for like 20 more minutes, so derek got up to go the bathroom, but he had to climb over kim. and merlyn (the cunty stewardess) comes over and yells at us, bc the seat belt light is on, and he got up. and he was like "the captain just announced that we wouldnt be leaving the gate for like 10 minutes, i didnt know." and she tells us that if there are any problems, she'll KNOW it was us, and shes already alerted the captain about us. we're like "um, ok?" i guess bc we were three giddy early twentys kids, she thought we were problematic. she can go fuck herself. anyway so then we got to cleveland and got on our connection. it was amazing looking out the window. it was dark out, so it would be patches of black and patches of light, little cities.. i loved it. i kept marvelling, and kim was tired and bitchy, and she kept making me feel like a jerk. there was CRAZY turbulance over colorado and utah, and descending through the cloud cover was terrifying. taking off and landing are the worst parts for me. i can usually handle in flight, but i hate those parts. so whatever, we land in vegas and its like 75 degrees out, and we're in heaven. its all bright and shiny, like times square times 1000. i got a text from the enigma, they got banned from canada for the tour!! i guess something happened bc someone in the band has a record. its still unclear to me, and i will ask him about it when i see him to get the whole story. but yah so i talked to him for a while, got dressed. the water in vegas sucks, it made my hair feel like straw. lets see. the first night, derek wore jeans and a button down with one button buttoned.. he was rockin the chest patch. kim wore one of my short black skirts with a black shirt and her hooker shoes.. i wore this tight little black shirt with my pin striped mini skirt, knee high socks and heels. oh and waterbra for super cleavage. we were starving - continental gives meals at meal times, and our flight was at 830, hence no meal. so we went to circus circus (the WORST!) and ate at this diner like place called the pink pony inside. massive amounts of mullets were spotted. we went to the venetian, and watched derek play craps. i won a little bit of money on the slots. after that i think we went to the mirage and played roulette. i feel like we might have gone somewhere else whilst we were casino hopping but i cant remember. either way, we didnt drink too much. went back to the sahara, sat at the bar. kim was still being a jerk so i was like "im going to bed. later." and i did.
tuesday: woke up around 1130, got ready and went poolside. i refused to wear sunblock. it was really hot but really cool in the shade. crazy. i read a few pages of the perks of being a wallflower, which mike got me for my bday, but the sun on the pages was too much, and my sunglasses are way scratched so i couldnt really read with them on either. we felt a little crispy by like 3. went in and changed. derek wore a similar outfit to the night before, but his shirt had a cool 70s print to it and it was way tight. his button kept unbuttoning. kim and i were under the impression that we were just going to get lunch, and she wore a knee length white shirt with a red tank top and flip flops. i wore my navy tank top (my favorite!) with a black mini skirt and flip flops. we went to margaritaville for lunch and talked about chevys. went to the flamingo (the original vegas casino), watched derek play craps again.. we walked down the strip past paris (crazy hotel with a replica of the eiffel tower).. my foot was all cut up so we stopped at walgreens for band-aids and then we went to new york, new york. we rode this insane roller coaster inside, it was great. very intense. it cost $10. way a lot of money. after that we went casino hopping. we walked to excalibur, which is like midieval times themed. i won $100 on $9 at a slot machine there. lost $20 on roulette. then we went to luxor, which is egyptian themed.. a huge pyramid. we were walking past a quarter slot, and i decided to put a quarter in, and i won $2.50. i redeemed that, put a dollar in a $1 slot, and out came $80. i was like YAY!! i was so excited. by then i was a little drunk. we planned to go back to the mirage (we liked playing roulette there), but we ended up going to mandalay bay and getting trashed. i think we gambled some, and then we went over to the bar bc there was a great band performing. we got pretty drunk, there was a guy dancing with roller skates in the heels of his sneakers. his name is vegas guy. we took pictures. i sent some dirty text messages to the enigma, which was fun. ill talk about that later though. after a bunch of drinks, kim was WAY trashed, she couldnt stand up straight and she kept falling. it was kind of embarassing, bc mandalay bay is one of the nicer casinos and i felt like we were being *those* kids, you know. and derek is like "no disclaimers! its vegas!" but she was being retarded and really irritating me by trying to close my phone and telling me im an idiot for talking to him on vacation blah blah. so we got in a cab to go back to the sahara, and she was continuing, plus she kept rubbing her lollipop on me which i thought was gross and i was so mad i just got out of the cab when we got home and shes like "come on were having fun" and im like "yah kim, fun at my expense." and i just sat down at the roulette table and lost $20. started to walk away and shes like "gille! why are you maaaad" and i was like ugh. first of all, i didnt wanna talk to her about it while she was drunk and second of all, we didnt need to talk in front of derek. i was like "you fuckin virgos are all alike" and she was like "gille, im nothing like nick" and i said "yr more like him than you know" so she asked "then why are you friends with me?" and i was like "yah. i dont know sometimes." so she was like "yr being mean! talk to me!" and i just went to bed. so she got mad and went to sleep in the bath tub. i woke up at 8am and she was in bed with me, so i guess she wandered out of the bath tub at some point.
wednesday: kim got up at 11 and went to the pool. i followed around noon. got some sun, then derek came out and the three of us started talking and kim and i forgot about the night before for the time being. we went up to the room at like 330. we decided to have dinner at the treasure island buffet (bc ki loves pirates). and since it was our last night, we wore our most slutty outfits. well not derek, but you know. ok so he wore bell bottoms and a translucent black shirt (with one button of course). kim wore my red pleated mini skirt with that black shirt i wore monday night, and her hooker shoes. i wore the skirt shasta got me (it barely covers my ass) and kims black tank top with the knee highs again and heels. we walked down the strip with our arms in dereks. we got such looks! guys were like "how you pimpin like that?" or "why do you get TWO girls?" and hed look at them all serious and be like "dont worry about it." we ate a ton of food at the buffet, then sat there and smoked and drank coffee till 830ish. i texted with the enigma all night. so ok, after treasure island we went over to caesars palace. we walked through the mall (more looks.. women looked at us with disgust - we thought it was GREAT).. in the casino i sat down at a high roller table for roulette. this part sucks. ok so it cost $25 as a minimum bet.. and i always use 8 and 23 when i play the numbers. so i had tripled my money, and i was gonna bet $25. i wanted to put my money on my numbers - i was gonna put 10 on 8, 10 on 23, and 5 on some random number - but i pussed out and bet on the 2nd 12 instead. and what number comes up? 23!!! i would have won $350!! but noooo i went with something that pays 3:1 rather than 35:1 and i won $20. UGH. so i bet again and ended up breaking even at that table. i had an apple martini, then we went to the bar and had kamikazes. we left ceasers and instead of going to the bellagio, which was the plan, we went to the mirage. i played some slots, got real drunk. i was feeling left out of the conversation and getting belligerent. so i kept drinking apple martini after apple martini. i lost like $30 on the slots (BOO) and then i was all drunk and i blew $70 on the roulette table. our dealer was frank, and he told us to bet on 14, but i didnt cos i was betting on the outside (again) and what comes up? 14! UGH again!! so i pumped a bunch of money into the slots, and i won $40. then i was WAY TRASHED. played some more roulette, POORLY, and lost like $40 more. we went to the bar and got some more drinks, i ended up confessing to kim that i hooked up with baxter on my bday (yah i think i left that part out the other day, that baxters gift to me this year was an orgasm)... i was way worried that she would be mad, but she wasnt, she thought it was funny. so i order another apple martini, and im having trouble finishing it cos im SO TRASHED.. and the bartender was like "ok im cashing out, do you want anything else?" and derek orders one last round. i was like OH NO. so i sipped at my drinks and got MORE drunk. i think i was having trouble standing but i wasnt being outrageous about it. kim and i were walking to the bathroom with our arms around each others waists, and occasionally grabbing each others boobs being stupid. it was funny. we were like "lets make them think were hot lesbians!" so we get back and it turns out that while we were gone, derek got propositioned by a hooker! but he told her that the two seats were taken by the most beautiful women in vegas, which we thought was rad. finished our drinks.. took a cab back to the sahara. i dont remember the cab ride much, i was trashed and sick. when we got out of the cab i puked up alcohol. on the ground. it was embarassing, but i had no control over it. and at least it was all liquid and not like chunky food or anything. so we got up to the room and i dry heaved for a while (ew), then i locked the bathroom door and tried to fall asleep on the floor. i was successful until kim was banging on the door like "gille!!!" and they made me get out. they said they would pack for me bc it was 430ish and we had to leave at 530, and they said i should lay down. so i did. i woke up at 515, and they were like WRESTLING. nothing had been done. i got mad bc i trusted them to be responsible, and im pretty sure that they went back to the bar instead. cos they were more drunk than when i went to sleep, although derek kept saying that the last martini had creeped up on kim. whatever so i was really mad and we were running late, and i was trying to get dressed and pack and keep them in line and i got fed up cos i was a mean drunk by then (this is why i do not drink).. and im like "fucking idiots" under my breath and derek like YELLED at me "we did the best we could, we were doing you a favor, you dont have to be this raging bitch!" and i was like "dude whatever its 545, we were supposed to be leaving 15 minutes ago." ugh.
thursday: so no one talked on the way to the airport. we were all mad, them at me, me at them. i was hungover, i felt like i was dying. kim thought she lost her wallet. we got coffee and it made me feel better for like 15 minutes, then the nausea returned. got on the plane. we had breakfast. i managed like 4 bites of my baby banana, then a spoonful of cornflakes. no good. i read more of my book, and fell asleep. it was kinda turbulent coming home, too. our flight was late, and we got the cleveland in time to go to the bar.. they had bloody marys, i had this awful soup i didnt eat. i was still way nauseas. derek went to the bathroom and he went to the ladies room on accident. he didnt realize until he was peeing that there were a lot of ladies voices.. it was hilarious. so we got on our connection. by then kim and i were kinda cool, we werent fighting anymore. this flight was turbulent as well, and we flew over clouds the whole entire time, so i read a lot. we descended through the clouds and into rain BOOOOOO!! we were like "greeeeeat, welcome home." i thought they lost my bag, but it was in the hold with checked luggage (some carry on was too small for our little plane - the jfk/cleveland plane was a 37 seater).. kim took the airtrain home, and derek and i split a cab. i lost my metrocard in vegas (SUCKS bc ive used my limit of balance protection, and it cost me $5 this time.. if i lose it again, they wont replace it).. got back to the apartment and relaxed with candace the whole time. and i went to bed early. i was gonna write this last night, but as you can see, its a lot of words and i was way too tired to commit to such a task.
so that was vegas. now.. enigma. ok. so his band got banned from canada (cute pun lol).. and we texted each other nightly he was like "i wish i was there with you, we wouldnt leave the hotel!" or "i wish you were here" and he kept telling me that lately he thinks about me constantly and always wishes i were with him. and it made me feel really good. we said a bunch of dirty things (as usual) and he kept saying he cant wait to see me etc.. and he was like "we shouldnt talk like this if were just gonna cuddle next time" and i was like "who even cares, i know i mean more than sex, right?" and he was like "yea. it is more. i love that we can say anything to each other, and we dont care. but i super love the sex." so i dont know. im pretty sure that he still isnt going to like commit to me or anything, but at least i have him physically hooked. its like a minor concession. we shall see. the plan right now is that i will see him monday when im on LI. he was gonna take off the whole day from work and spend it with me, but now he has to take off thursday and so the revised plan is that he'll work monday, then come to me (a my moms) from like 6-8, and take me to the train. then thursday hes taking off work, and hes coming here early, but he has to leave by like 1pm. so its longer, but its split up into two places on two days. i know there will be a lot of sex, its all we've been talking about. but i also think there will be a lot of cuddling, and im psyched. plus i wanna make an effort to like TALK to each other and see if it does go beyond sex or if thats where it ends. cos like today i asked him if he ever thinks of me non-sexually, and he was like "yah, but most of the time its sexual. thats what we do." then later tonight he was like "i want you so bad, i have since i met you." sigh. so i dunno. easter is the first time we hooked up. i wonder if he'll remember that detail, that it was easter. our first booty call. no wonder things are the way they are.. so we shall see. im not expecting much more than great sex right now, but who knows. he could surprise me..
today was alright. i went to rutgers to get some books, then i had work. it was kinda boring. i messaged with the boy a lot, i waited on a lot of large parties. it was lame. oh so at like 9ish, he messages me that there was this girl who wanted to hook up with him, and he wished she was me. so i asked him if he was gonna, and he was like "i dunno, this kid told me that i just had to stick it in her ass and id get wicked head. hard to resist" and i was like "i dont even understand why yr telling me this. not exactly what i wanna hear." and he was like "seriously, im kidding. i thought you would know that. you know i dont hook up on the road silly. i can only think of you." but i still dont know what to make of it. was he trying to make me jealous? probably. and it worked. it made me seethe. but then he made me feel better. so its ok i guess. kim and i were ok but weird at work tonight. i just felt like there was tension. everything was normal, but tense in a way. anyway i made $125, which was ok i guess. i took a cab home cos i was feeling lazy and it was 2am. i saw baxter cos he was bartending and i made it a point to go and kiss him on the cheek goodnight, bc he had said "is this gonna make things weird between us" after we hooked up.. and i was like "NO." cos it isnt. i dont want anything more. i was using him. if bart found out, he would never talk to either one of us again. bart would assume that baxter used ME, and that i was duped. but i wasnt. i could have stopped, it was my choice. i didnt care. instead of becoming one of baxters girls, he became one of my boys. i like it better that way. it meant nothing, and therefore it cannot make things weird between us. but yah. bart cannot find out. and if kim or derek tell anyone, i will know, and i will never forgive.
ugh so now its 5:55am. im listening to inside and thinking of the enigma. mainly bc i havent stopped thinking about him all week.. but also cos hes the one who introduced me to them in 1997. on a mix tape he made me. "amazing songs for amazing gille" thats what its called. its in the tape deck of my car right now. i listened to it the last time i drove her......
im sleepy. i have so much more to say. well. ok ill be brief here. my thesis is being read presently, and so far my advisor loves it, she thinks its wonderful and shes learning a lot, and she says there are only some minor corrections to be made. i had to mail the other one to my other prof (ryan did it for me monday) and she received it, but i dont think she has begun to read it.. also, i scheduled my orals. im taking them with jan (advisor) on colonial american, dr. satter on the progressive era, and dr. basch (also reading thesis) on womens history. dr. basch's part will be written since she cant make the appointment. its tentatively set for wednesday, but now that dr basch wont be making it, we can do it later i think. and i asked dr. satter if we could reschedule bc i have to read three extra books for her, and im awaiting her response. my MA is so close i can taste it. i have to work on my thesis some more. i have to break the introduction down so that part of it is the abstract rather than an intro.. i also have to write my acknowlegdements.. i dont know who to acknowledge though. like who is appropriate? i suppose i should acknowledge jan, since she was my advisor and mentor.. all the profs i had.. barbara foley.. of course my parents. and im writing "i am eternally grateful to candace holloway, kim forster, and mike schoudel for their endless slave driving and constant motivation. without them, this work would not have been possible." i suppose that will be enough. i'd like to thank other people though, like steve for pushing me back into politics, like vegas for making me finish the stupid paper, like the enigma for being hot. you know. but hey, he didnt thank me on his bands cd jacket. i was tempted to go into the virgin in caesers palace to see if his CD was in there, too, but i knew kim would kick me in the mouth. so i resisted.
ok im out of steam. its 6:04. i wanna get up tomorrow and finish the perks.. i have a bunch of books to read right now, since thats practically all i wanted for my bday. i also got great expectations, carrie pilby, the slaughterhouse 5.. and a bunch more i cant remember. the half mammals of dixie.. oh and another book by jacqueline susann (i think i spelled that wrong - she wrote valley of the dolls). i forget what its called, but it has a yellow cover. some are recent fiction books i saw at the bookstore a few months ago that looked good. i still have to read a seperate peace, which i have to buy. but mainly i wanna finish the perks bc its so catcher in the rye like (mmmmm) and i can identify with charlie.. esp about mix tapes. but yah, i have like 30 pages left, and after that i have to read these library books for dr. satters orals. ugh. not looking forward to that. im going to have to seriously CRAM im off monday but i have enigma scheduled, and i plan to read all day tuesday. plus i have to look over all my old notes from those classes...... ugh. ok. i said i was sleeping!!! its 6:09 now!!! must sleeep! im going to close my eyes and dream of my enigma. and how when im 15 minutes from him on LI, he'll wanna see me every day and from there we will fall in love and live happily ever after........... riiiiiight. hey, ill keep dreaming till something happens. either way. sweet dreams..
*look at you, and see yr eyes in water glaze. those tears of yrs are just for show to wet yr face* inside
inside <3 <3
bleh. welcome back gille! hehe. ive been on hiatus for a bunch of days. i wonder what i said last. i should perhaps check, so i dont leave anything out, or repeat meself. hmm ok. well. i went to VEGAS! that was fabulous. sort of. it also sucked a lot. i kind of went with the wrong people. but i suppose i will get to all that.
monday: got up a bit late, and ended up having to RUN to the PO to pick up cory's gus gus.. (candaces sister is cory, shes havin a baby in like a month, his name shall be gus so i got her a gusgus from cinderella on eBay).. went to meet kim in the city at h&m, and guess what, she overslept, so she hasnt packed yet. grr. so instead of shopping, we end up having to run to kew gardens and pack her. we did that as quick as we could.. got on the subday to jamaica.. we got our manicures (SO WEIRD!) and then we got on the airtran to jfk. had a drink at the bar in the airport, and then we got on the plane. apparently we were being too rockstarish, derek was sort of drunk/hungover and he fell trying to go to the bathroom. ok, what happened was our flight was delayed like an hour bc of runway traffic.. and we werent leaving the gate for like 20 more minutes, so derek got up to go the bathroom, but he had to climb over kim. and merlyn (the cunty stewardess) comes over and yells at us, bc the seat belt light is on, and he got up. and he was like "the captain just announced that we wouldnt be leaving the gate for like 10 minutes, i didnt know." and she tells us that if there are any problems, she'll KNOW it was us, and shes already alerted the captain about us. we're like "um, ok?" i guess bc we were three giddy early twentys kids, she thought we were problematic. she can go fuck herself. anyway so then we got to cleveland and got on our connection. it was amazing looking out the window. it was dark out, so it would be patches of black and patches of light, little cities.. i loved it. i kept marvelling, and kim was tired and bitchy, and she kept making me feel like a jerk. there was CRAZY turbulance over colorado and utah, and descending through the cloud cover was terrifying. taking off and landing are the worst parts for me. i can usually handle in flight, but i hate those parts. so whatever, we land in vegas and its like 75 degrees out, and we're in heaven. its all bright and shiny, like times square times 1000. i got a text from the enigma, they got banned from canada for the tour!! i guess something happened bc someone in the band has a record. its still unclear to me, and i will ask him about it when i see him to get the whole story. but yah so i talked to him for a while, got dressed. the water in vegas sucks, it made my hair feel like straw. lets see. the first night, derek wore jeans and a button down with one button buttoned.. he was rockin the chest patch. kim wore one of my short black skirts with a black shirt and her hooker shoes.. i wore this tight little black shirt with my pin striped mini skirt, knee high socks and heels. oh and waterbra for super cleavage. we were starving - continental gives meals at meal times, and our flight was at 830, hence no meal. so we went to circus circus (the WORST!) and ate at this diner like place called the pink pony inside. massive amounts of mullets were spotted. we went to the venetian, and watched derek play craps. i won a little bit of money on the slots. after that i think we went to the mirage and played roulette. i feel like we might have gone somewhere else whilst we were casino hopping but i cant remember. either way, we didnt drink too much. went back to the sahara, sat at the bar. kim was still being a jerk so i was like "im going to bed. later." and i did.
tuesday: woke up around 1130, got ready and went poolside. i refused to wear sunblock. it was really hot but really cool in the shade. crazy. i read a few pages of the perks of being a wallflower, which mike got me for my bday, but the sun on the pages was too much, and my sunglasses are way scratched so i couldnt really read with them on either. we felt a little crispy by like 3. went in and changed. derek wore a similar outfit to the night before, but his shirt had a cool 70s print to it and it was way tight. his button kept unbuttoning. kim and i were under the impression that we were just going to get lunch, and she wore a knee length white shirt with a red tank top and flip flops. i wore my navy tank top (my favorite!) with a black mini skirt and flip flops. we went to margaritaville for lunch and talked about chevys. went to the flamingo (the original vegas casino), watched derek play craps again.. we walked down the strip past paris (crazy hotel with a replica of the eiffel tower).. my foot was all cut up so we stopped at walgreens for band-aids and then we went to new york, new york. we rode this insane roller coaster inside, it was great. very intense. it cost $10. way a lot of money. after that we went casino hopping. we walked to excalibur, which is like midieval times themed. i won $100 on $9 at a slot machine there. lost $20 on roulette. then we went to luxor, which is egyptian themed.. a huge pyramid. we were walking past a quarter slot, and i decided to put a quarter in, and i won $2.50. i redeemed that, put a dollar in a $1 slot, and out came $80. i was like YAY!! i was so excited. by then i was a little drunk. we planned to go back to the mirage (we liked playing roulette there), but we ended up going to mandalay bay and getting trashed. i think we gambled some, and then we went over to the bar bc there was a great band performing. we got pretty drunk, there was a guy dancing with roller skates in the heels of his sneakers. his name is vegas guy. we took pictures. i sent some dirty text messages to the enigma, which was fun. ill talk about that later though. after a bunch of drinks, kim was WAY trashed, she couldnt stand up straight and she kept falling. it was kind of embarassing, bc mandalay bay is one of the nicer casinos and i felt like we were being *those* kids, you know. and derek is like "no disclaimers! its vegas!" but she was being retarded and really irritating me by trying to close my phone and telling me im an idiot for talking to him on vacation blah blah. so we got in a cab to go back to the sahara, and she was continuing, plus she kept rubbing her lollipop on me which i thought was gross and i was so mad i just got out of the cab when we got home and shes like "come on were having fun" and im like "yah kim, fun at my expense." and i just sat down at the roulette table and lost $20. started to walk away and shes like "gille! why are you maaaad" and i was like ugh. first of all, i didnt wanna talk to her about it while she was drunk and second of all, we didnt need to talk in front of derek. i was like "you fuckin virgos are all alike" and she was like "gille, im nothing like nick" and i said "yr more like him than you know" so she asked "then why are you friends with me?" and i was like "yah. i dont know sometimes." so she was like "yr being mean! talk to me!" and i just went to bed. so she got mad and went to sleep in the bath tub. i woke up at 8am and she was in bed with me, so i guess she wandered out of the bath tub at some point.
wednesday: kim got up at 11 and went to the pool. i followed around noon. got some sun, then derek came out and the three of us started talking and kim and i forgot about the night before for the time being. we went up to the room at like 330. we decided to have dinner at the treasure island buffet (bc ki loves pirates). and since it was our last night, we wore our most slutty outfits. well not derek, but you know. ok so he wore bell bottoms and a translucent black shirt (with one button of course). kim wore my red pleated mini skirt with that black shirt i wore monday night, and her hooker shoes. i wore the skirt shasta got me (it barely covers my ass) and kims black tank top with the knee highs again and heels. we walked down the strip with our arms in dereks. we got such looks! guys were like "how you pimpin like that?" or "why do you get TWO girls?" and hed look at them all serious and be like "dont worry about it." we ate a ton of food at the buffet, then sat there and smoked and drank coffee till 830ish. i texted with the enigma all night. so ok, after treasure island we went over to caesars palace. we walked through the mall (more looks.. women looked at us with disgust - we thought it was GREAT).. in the casino i sat down at a high roller table for roulette. this part sucks. ok so it cost $25 as a minimum bet.. and i always use 8 and 23 when i play the numbers. so i had tripled my money, and i was gonna bet $25. i wanted to put my money on my numbers - i was gonna put 10 on 8, 10 on 23, and 5 on some random number - but i pussed out and bet on the 2nd 12 instead. and what number comes up? 23!!! i would have won $350!! but noooo i went with something that pays 3:1 rather than 35:1 and i won $20. UGH. so i bet again and ended up breaking even at that table. i had an apple martini, then we went to the bar and had kamikazes. we left ceasers and instead of going to the bellagio, which was the plan, we went to the mirage. i played some slots, got real drunk. i was feeling left out of the conversation and getting belligerent. so i kept drinking apple martini after apple martini. i lost like $30 on the slots (BOO) and then i was all drunk and i blew $70 on the roulette table. our dealer was frank, and he told us to bet on 14, but i didnt cos i was betting on the outside (again) and what comes up? 14! UGH again!! so i pumped a bunch of money into the slots, and i won $40. then i was WAY TRASHED. played some more roulette, POORLY, and lost like $40 more. we went to the bar and got some more drinks, i ended up confessing to kim that i hooked up with baxter on my bday (yah i think i left that part out the other day, that baxters gift to me this year was an orgasm)... i was way worried that she would be mad, but she wasnt, she thought it was funny. so i order another apple martini, and im having trouble finishing it cos im SO TRASHED.. and the bartender was like "ok im cashing out, do you want anything else?" and derek orders one last round. i was like OH NO. so i sipped at my drinks and got MORE drunk. i think i was having trouble standing but i wasnt being outrageous about it. kim and i were walking to the bathroom with our arms around each others waists, and occasionally grabbing each others boobs being stupid. it was funny. we were like "lets make them think were hot lesbians!" so we get back and it turns out that while we were gone, derek got propositioned by a hooker! but he told her that the two seats were taken by the most beautiful women in vegas, which we thought was rad. finished our drinks.. took a cab back to the sahara. i dont remember the cab ride much, i was trashed and sick. when we got out of the cab i puked up alcohol. on the ground. it was embarassing, but i had no control over it. and at least it was all liquid and not like chunky food or anything. so we got up to the room and i dry heaved for a while (ew), then i locked the bathroom door and tried to fall asleep on the floor. i was successful until kim was banging on the door like "gille!!!" and they made me get out. they said they would pack for me bc it was 430ish and we had to leave at 530, and they said i should lay down. so i did. i woke up at 515, and they were like WRESTLING. nothing had been done. i got mad bc i trusted them to be responsible, and im pretty sure that they went back to the bar instead. cos they were more drunk than when i went to sleep, although derek kept saying that the last martini had creeped up on kim. whatever so i was really mad and we were running late, and i was trying to get dressed and pack and keep them in line and i got fed up cos i was a mean drunk by then (this is why i do not drink).. and im like "fucking idiots" under my breath and derek like YELLED at me "we did the best we could, we were doing you a favor, you dont have to be this raging bitch!" and i was like "dude whatever its 545, we were supposed to be leaving 15 minutes ago." ugh.
thursday: so no one talked on the way to the airport. we were all mad, them at me, me at them. i was hungover, i felt like i was dying. kim thought she lost her wallet. we got coffee and it made me feel better for like 15 minutes, then the nausea returned. got on the plane. we had breakfast. i managed like 4 bites of my baby banana, then a spoonful of cornflakes. no good. i read more of my book, and fell asleep. it was kinda turbulent coming home, too. our flight was late, and we got the cleveland in time to go to the bar.. they had bloody marys, i had this awful soup i didnt eat. i was still way nauseas. derek went to the bathroom and he went to the ladies room on accident. he didnt realize until he was peeing that there were a lot of ladies voices.. it was hilarious. so we got on our connection. by then kim and i were kinda cool, we werent fighting anymore. this flight was turbulent as well, and we flew over clouds the whole entire time, so i read a lot. we descended through the clouds and into rain BOOOOOO!! we were like "greeeeeat, welcome home." i thought they lost my bag, but it was in the hold with checked luggage (some carry on was too small for our little plane - the jfk/cleveland plane was a 37 seater).. kim took the airtrain home, and derek and i split a cab. i lost my metrocard in vegas (SUCKS bc ive used my limit of balance protection, and it cost me $5 this time.. if i lose it again, they wont replace it).. got back to the apartment and relaxed with candace the whole time. and i went to bed early. i was gonna write this last night, but as you can see, its a lot of words and i was way too tired to commit to such a task.
so that was vegas. now.. enigma. ok. so his band got banned from canada (cute pun lol).. and we texted each other nightly he was like "i wish i was there with you, we wouldnt leave the hotel!" or "i wish you were here" and he kept telling me that lately he thinks about me constantly and always wishes i were with him. and it made me feel really good. we said a bunch of dirty things (as usual) and he kept saying he cant wait to see me etc.. and he was like "we shouldnt talk like this if were just gonna cuddle next time" and i was like "who even cares, i know i mean more than sex, right?" and he was like "yea. it is more. i love that we can say anything to each other, and we dont care. but i super love the sex." so i dont know. im pretty sure that he still isnt going to like commit to me or anything, but at least i have him physically hooked. its like a minor concession. we shall see. the plan right now is that i will see him monday when im on LI. he was gonna take off the whole day from work and spend it with me, but now he has to take off thursday and so the revised plan is that he'll work monday, then come to me (a my moms) from like 6-8, and take me to the train. then thursday hes taking off work, and hes coming here early, but he has to leave by like 1pm. so its longer, but its split up into two places on two days. i know there will be a lot of sex, its all we've been talking about. but i also think there will be a lot of cuddling, and im psyched. plus i wanna make an effort to like TALK to each other and see if it does go beyond sex or if thats where it ends. cos like today i asked him if he ever thinks of me non-sexually, and he was like "yah, but most of the time its sexual. thats what we do." then later tonight he was like "i want you so bad, i have since i met you." sigh. so i dunno. easter is the first time we hooked up. i wonder if he'll remember that detail, that it was easter. our first booty call. no wonder things are the way they are.. so we shall see. im not expecting much more than great sex right now, but who knows. he could surprise me..
today was alright. i went to rutgers to get some books, then i had work. it was kinda boring. i messaged with the boy a lot, i waited on a lot of large parties. it was lame. oh so at like 9ish, he messages me that there was this girl who wanted to hook up with him, and he wished she was me. so i asked him if he was gonna, and he was like "i dunno, this kid told me that i just had to stick it in her ass and id get wicked head. hard to resist" and i was like "i dont even understand why yr telling me this. not exactly what i wanna hear." and he was like "seriously, im kidding. i thought you would know that. you know i dont hook up on the road silly. i can only think of you." but i still dont know what to make of it. was he trying to make me jealous? probably. and it worked. it made me seethe. but then he made me feel better. so its ok i guess. kim and i were ok but weird at work tonight. i just felt like there was tension. everything was normal, but tense in a way. anyway i made $125, which was ok i guess. i took a cab home cos i was feeling lazy and it was 2am. i saw baxter cos he was bartending and i made it a point to go and kiss him on the cheek goodnight, bc he had said "is this gonna make things weird between us" after we hooked up.. and i was like "NO." cos it isnt. i dont want anything more. i was using him. if bart found out, he would never talk to either one of us again. bart would assume that baxter used ME, and that i was duped. but i wasnt. i could have stopped, it was my choice. i didnt care. instead of becoming one of baxters girls, he became one of my boys. i like it better that way. it meant nothing, and therefore it cannot make things weird between us. but yah. bart cannot find out. and if kim or derek tell anyone, i will know, and i will never forgive.
ugh so now its 5:55am. im listening to inside and thinking of the enigma. mainly bc i havent stopped thinking about him all week.. but also cos hes the one who introduced me to them in 1997. on a mix tape he made me. "amazing songs for amazing gille" thats what its called. its in the tape deck of my car right now. i listened to it the last time i drove her......
im sleepy. i have so much more to say. well. ok ill be brief here. my thesis is being read presently, and so far my advisor loves it, she thinks its wonderful and shes learning a lot, and she says there are only some minor corrections to be made. i had to mail the other one to my other prof (ryan did it for me monday) and she received it, but i dont think she has begun to read it.. also, i scheduled my orals. im taking them with jan (advisor) on colonial american, dr. satter on the progressive era, and dr. basch (also reading thesis) on womens history. dr. basch's part will be written since she cant make the appointment. its tentatively set for wednesday, but now that dr basch wont be making it, we can do it later i think. and i asked dr. satter if we could reschedule bc i have to read three extra books for her, and im awaiting her response. my MA is so close i can taste it. i have to work on my thesis some more. i have to break the introduction down so that part of it is the abstract rather than an intro.. i also have to write my acknowlegdements.. i dont know who to acknowledge though. like who is appropriate? i suppose i should acknowledge jan, since she was my advisor and mentor.. all the profs i had.. barbara foley.. of course my parents. and im writing "i am eternally grateful to candace holloway, kim forster, and mike schoudel for their endless slave driving and constant motivation. without them, this work would not have been possible." i suppose that will be enough. i'd like to thank other people though, like steve for pushing me back into politics, like vegas for making me finish the stupid paper, like the enigma for being hot. you know. but hey, he didnt thank me on his bands cd jacket. i was tempted to go into the virgin in caesers palace to see if his CD was in there, too, but i knew kim would kick me in the mouth. so i resisted.
ok im out of steam. its 6:04. i wanna get up tomorrow and finish the perks.. i have a bunch of books to read right now, since thats practically all i wanted for my bday. i also got great expectations, carrie pilby, the slaughterhouse 5.. and a bunch more i cant remember. the half mammals of dixie.. oh and another book by jacqueline susann (i think i spelled that wrong - she wrote valley of the dolls). i forget what its called, but it has a yellow cover. some are recent fiction books i saw at the bookstore a few months ago that looked good. i still have to read a seperate peace, which i have to buy. but mainly i wanna finish the perks bc its so catcher in the rye like (mmmmm) and i can identify with charlie.. esp about mix tapes. but yah, i have like 30 pages left, and after that i have to read these library books for dr. satters orals. ugh. not looking forward to that. im going to have to seriously CRAM im off monday but i have enigma scheduled, and i plan to read all day tuesday. plus i have to look over all my old notes from those classes...... ugh. ok. i said i was sleeping!!! its 6:09 now!!! must sleeep! im going to close my eyes and dream of my enigma. and how when im 15 minutes from him on LI, he'll wanna see me every day and from there we will fall in love and live happily ever after........... riiiiiight. hey, ill keep dreaming till something happens. either way. sweet dreams..
*look at you, and see yr eyes in water glaze. those tears of yrs are just for show to wet yr face* inside
Subscribe to Comments [Atom]