Wednesday, May 05, 2004
*are you gonna sit and watch me, watch me while i go down? are you gonna sit and watch me, watch me while i DROWN*
hole
i think im getting sick. i was out late last night. i worked, i closed it was boo. um, i met up with derek after and we went to westway, had some food and coronas and talked about life and love and the past and the way people relate, and the way we cant relate to people. went to bull moose for some more drinks. we had coronas and shots of jager. when he went to the bathroom, this middle aged woman comes over to me, and she asks me why im drinking other peoples drinks. which made NO SENSE bc i was drinking *my* corona. so she tells me shes on an expense account, and she'll get me whatever i want. so i smiled sweetly bc i was a) confused still, and b) a little scared. derek came back and she asked me if he was my boyfriend. i said no. he said he was my brother. she said "yah right" and then she asked me how long i knew him. i said three years. it was almost like she saw derek as a preditor or something.. so anyway she looks at me, and she goes "im gonna go get you a corona," and looks at derek and she goes "but not you." then she left us to our "date." we went outside to smoke a cigarette, and this guy was using his umbrella to sheild us from the wind. derek and i were both trying to fit into my sweatshirt bc he didnt bring a coat. we went back in and he was leaning across the table and holding my hand and smelling my hair and then we were kissing. i wasnt that drunk, i was only tipsy and i wasnt feeling suggestable. it was a weird complex thing. i think that derek is lonely. i mean, he has a few girls that he sees and whatnot, but i think deep down he is a lonely boy who drinks to not feel and writes comedy to smile. and i am a lonely girl. and i dont have feelings for him, and i dont think he has feelings for me, and its easy and a way to ease the loneliness and.. well, now that the enigma wants to just be friends, i need someone to make me feel warm and cuddle with. so i went with it. he kept telling me how good i smelled and he showed me his tattoos in depth and i touched them. then we noticed that behind the bar, there was this wooden statue of a native american. in its arms were stuffed like five american flags. we were kind of disgusted. it was soo distasteful, fucking the american flag destroyed the native american.. so we decided to get out of there. he asked where i wanted to go, and i asked if he wanted to drink more or go somewhere else. so i asked if he wanted to come to my place. he did. i was like "score!" anyway we got in a cab and i laid with my head on his lap. we laughed and joked about the lady that bought me the beer, and he called me "jim" on accident. which was funny. horribly funny. at first i was like "ew" but then i laughed hysterically about it. he was like "l" and "m" are right next to each other, as if he was typing the letters he spoke into the air. we got here, came up to my apartment. went to my room and smoked a cigarette. we looked at pictures from when i was little, and he was kissing me, and he was like "hey ive never kissed a girl while looking at her baby pictures. wait a sec." and he looks at the picture again, and goes "ok kiss me now" and it was just funny. i hit the lights and we got under my blankets, and he pulled them up over our heads like a fort and he was like "its like being little kids in a cave" which was totally endearing because its something *i* would say, and in fact have said before. he still had his gum and he wanted to get rid of it, and i was like "here" and i put out my hand and hes like "ok mommy" and i laughed and he was like "i havent spit my gum out in someones hand since i was like 5." we laughed. we went to sleep and that boy CUDDLES. seriously. i would turn to the side and he would completely follow and wrap his arms around me. it felt really good, not even the enigma held onto me like that. so my alarm went off and i had to get up. we got up and got dressed, and we sat on the couch for a minute. walked to the deli so he could get a cup of coffee, i got some juice. he got a newspaper and we went down to the subway. he gave me a hug and kissed the top of my head and said he would see me tomorrow at work. woo. and i feel good about it. i mean, it didnt make things weird (well, it wasnt the first time, but we didnt hook up alone the last time.. you know, drunken threesome), and i didnt have an attachment, and i just felt good. the cuddles were soo nice and it was like i got them for free. and we eased each others lonliness for a little while. it was a win-win situation.
i went to therapy. i got my coffee, and i went in and told her everything, and how this is the second time that im trying to displace my affection for the enigma by hooking up with other guys. like in an effort to get back at him (even though he wont know), or kind of like a way to not need the affection from him.. and then she mentioned that i hadnt brought my notebook in a while. i said i had it, and i pulled it out and i told her that i havent been writing lately, more ive just been transcribing text message conversations. and i opened to his messages from vegas, which made me sad.. i read them, i read "lately i constantly wish you were with me, wherever i am" and i read "i cant stop thinking about you" and i read "i want pictures.. and you when you get home!" and i lost it, i cried and i cried because i dont understand how he could say those things to me, but not wanna be with me or hang out or anything, and it made me sad. and so i cried. and cried. and she told me that next week i should bring my old journals from the first time, so like the 97/98 ones, bc i told her that i hadnt written about walking away from him, but id written about the pain and perhaps that could help to make me move further away from him bc im addicted and she said she thinks i got the tattoo and have been drinking a lot in an effort to be self destructive or inflict pain on myself. anyway. i got a hold of myself and i left. i came home and wrote a long entry and then my computer froze and all was lost. i was quite upset. this is a poor recreation, i have omitted many of the things i said the first time. such is life.
i took a nap before, i fell asleep at like 4:45, and i slept till 9. i woke up just in time for one tree hill, stumbled out to the couch. kim called and i told her i had to call her back. then she sent me a text saying that i had to call her as soon as my show was over bc she was freaking out. and i was like "oh god. call her, and miss my show? or... call her when its over.. like she said.." and i opted to call her after the show cos there was only like 30 mins left anyway and yah, im a bad friend. so right before it ended she was like "never mind im going to bed" so i called her right away. she said she didnt wanna talk about it, but i just kept talking to her till she did, cos i knew she needed to and i didnt wanna let her keep it in. and i knew that if i just asked her specific questions about her well-being it would all come gushing out. and it did. so we gabbed for like an hour and a half, then her brother called her and she got off the phone. i made a half assed attempt to clean our living room. i paid bills. i reduced the mess. my room is a disaster, and i wanted to clean it before my aunt and cousin came to visit on thursday. i do not think i will get it done though, bc i have to work a double tomorrow. maybe ill put my clothes away tomorrow night. or at least shove them into my closet. cos i am sort of embarassed by my mess.
so i guess thats it. i really miss the enigma, despite the fact that i got intimacy replacement last night. i havent heard from him since friday, which makes me sort of sad in a way. no monday "how was yr weekend" and im trying to not message him. bc i want him to miss me. it was hard bc some of the things derek said reminded me of him, and it made things weird for me for a second. but it was the first time ive hooked up with someone else and didnt wake up thinking "i wish that was you" and being sad. well, i guess i didnt really feel that way with baxter either, but. i also didnt sleep on it with him. i dont know. perhaps i am moving on. i doubt that i will stop have feelings for the enigma, but.. maybe ill feel better.
did i say i think im getting sick? my eyes are very itchy. i sneezed like 8 times in a row before, and i have that general icky feeling. my throat hurts. i dont wanna be sick tomorrow for my double, nor do i wanna be sick thursday for my family outing. plus that whole healthcare thing. or lack thereof.. i cant afford to get an infection or anything. at least i dont take medicine, so i should be able to overcome.
i think ill go back to sleep now. my eyes are heavy. and if i sleep now i can still get like 6 hours.. almost 7. im going to have to get up at like 10 on thursday as well, so i need to get my beauty rest. i might go to this comedy club on LI thursday. derek writes comedy for this guy who is performing, and he invited me to come, its all VIP.. ooooh. so if he can get me a ride back, i will ask my dad to drop me off there in levittown on his way home thursday night.
UGH MORE SNEEZES!! only two that time though. tellin me to go to bed! nite nite....
hole
i think im getting sick. i was out late last night. i worked, i closed it was boo. um, i met up with derek after and we went to westway, had some food and coronas and talked about life and love and the past and the way people relate, and the way we cant relate to people. went to bull moose for some more drinks. we had coronas and shots of jager. when he went to the bathroom, this middle aged woman comes over to me, and she asks me why im drinking other peoples drinks. which made NO SENSE bc i was drinking *my* corona. so she tells me shes on an expense account, and she'll get me whatever i want. so i smiled sweetly bc i was a) confused still, and b) a little scared. derek came back and she asked me if he was my boyfriend. i said no. he said he was my brother. she said "yah right" and then she asked me how long i knew him. i said three years. it was almost like she saw derek as a preditor or something.. so anyway she looks at me, and she goes "im gonna go get you a corona," and looks at derek and she goes "but not you." then she left us to our "date." we went outside to smoke a cigarette, and this guy was using his umbrella to sheild us from the wind. derek and i were both trying to fit into my sweatshirt bc he didnt bring a coat. we went back in and he was leaning across the table and holding my hand and smelling my hair and then we were kissing. i wasnt that drunk, i was only tipsy and i wasnt feeling suggestable. it was a weird complex thing. i think that derek is lonely. i mean, he has a few girls that he sees and whatnot, but i think deep down he is a lonely boy who drinks to not feel and writes comedy to smile. and i am a lonely girl. and i dont have feelings for him, and i dont think he has feelings for me, and its easy and a way to ease the loneliness and.. well, now that the enigma wants to just be friends, i need someone to make me feel warm and cuddle with. so i went with it. he kept telling me how good i smelled and he showed me his tattoos in depth and i touched them. then we noticed that behind the bar, there was this wooden statue of a native american. in its arms were stuffed like five american flags. we were kind of disgusted. it was soo distasteful, fucking the american flag destroyed the native american.. so we decided to get out of there. he asked where i wanted to go, and i asked if he wanted to drink more or go somewhere else. so i asked if he wanted to come to my place. he did. i was like "score!" anyway we got in a cab and i laid with my head on his lap. we laughed and joked about the lady that bought me the beer, and he called me "jim" on accident. which was funny. horribly funny. at first i was like "ew" but then i laughed hysterically about it. he was like "l" and "m" are right next to each other, as if he was typing the letters he spoke into the air. we got here, came up to my apartment. went to my room and smoked a cigarette. we looked at pictures from when i was little, and he was kissing me, and he was like "hey ive never kissed a girl while looking at her baby pictures. wait a sec." and he looks at the picture again, and goes "ok kiss me now" and it was just funny. i hit the lights and we got under my blankets, and he pulled them up over our heads like a fort and he was like "its like being little kids in a cave" which was totally endearing because its something *i* would say, and in fact have said before. he still had his gum and he wanted to get rid of it, and i was like "here" and i put out my hand and hes like "ok mommy" and i laughed and he was like "i havent spit my gum out in someones hand since i was like 5." we laughed. we went to sleep and that boy CUDDLES. seriously. i would turn to the side and he would completely follow and wrap his arms around me. it felt really good, not even the enigma held onto me like that. so my alarm went off and i had to get up. we got up and got dressed, and we sat on the couch for a minute. walked to the deli so he could get a cup of coffee, i got some juice. he got a newspaper and we went down to the subway. he gave me a hug and kissed the top of my head and said he would see me tomorrow at work. woo. and i feel good about it. i mean, it didnt make things weird (well, it wasnt the first time, but we didnt hook up alone the last time.. you know, drunken threesome), and i didnt have an attachment, and i just felt good. the cuddles were soo nice and it was like i got them for free. and we eased each others lonliness for a little while. it was a win-win situation.
i went to therapy. i got my coffee, and i went in and told her everything, and how this is the second time that im trying to displace my affection for the enigma by hooking up with other guys. like in an effort to get back at him (even though he wont know), or kind of like a way to not need the affection from him.. and then she mentioned that i hadnt brought my notebook in a while. i said i had it, and i pulled it out and i told her that i havent been writing lately, more ive just been transcribing text message conversations. and i opened to his messages from vegas, which made me sad.. i read them, i read "lately i constantly wish you were with me, wherever i am" and i read "i cant stop thinking about you" and i read "i want pictures.. and you when you get home!" and i lost it, i cried and i cried because i dont understand how he could say those things to me, but not wanna be with me or hang out or anything, and it made me sad. and so i cried. and cried. and she told me that next week i should bring my old journals from the first time, so like the 97/98 ones, bc i told her that i hadnt written about walking away from him, but id written about the pain and perhaps that could help to make me move further away from him bc im addicted and she said she thinks i got the tattoo and have been drinking a lot in an effort to be self destructive or inflict pain on myself. anyway. i got a hold of myself and i left. i came home and wrote a long entry and then my computer froze and all was lost. i was quite upset. this is a poor recreation, i have omitted many of the things i said the first time. such is life.
i took a nap before, i fell asleep at like 4:45, and i slept till 9. i woke up just in time for one tree hill, stumbled out to the couch. kim called and i told her i had to call her back. then she sent me a text saying that i had to call her as soon as my show was over bc she was freaking out. and i was like "oh god. call her, and miss my show? or... call her when its over.. like she said.." and i opted to call her after the show cos there was only like 30 mins left anyway and yah, im a bad friend. so right before it ended she was like "never mind im going to bed" so i called her right away. she said she didnt wanna talk about it, but i just kept talking to her till she did, cos i knew she needed to and i didnt wanna let her keep it in. and i knew that if i just asked her specific questions about her well-being it would all come gushing out. and it did. so we gabbed for like an hour and a half, then her brother called her and she got off the phone. i made a half assed attempt to clean our living room. i paid bills. i reduced the mess. my room is a disaster, and i wanted to clean it before my aunt and cousin came to visit on thursday. i do not think i will get it done though, bc i have to work a double tomorrow. maybe ill put my clothes away tomorrow night. or at least shove them into my closet. cos i am sort of embarassed by my mess.
so i guess thats it. i really miss the enigma, despite the fact that i got intimacy replacement last night. i havent heard from him since friday, which makes me sort of sad in a way. no monday "how was yr weekend" and im trying to not message him. bc i want him to miss me. it was hard bc some of the things derek said reminded me of him, and it made things weird for me for a second. but it was the first time ive hooked up with someone else and didnt wake up thinking "i wish that was you" and being sad. well, i guess i didnt really feel that way with baxter either, but. i also didnt sleep on it with him. i dont know. perhaps i am moving on. i doubt that i will stop have feelings for the enigma, but.. maybe ill feel better.
did i say i think im getting sick? my eyes are very itchy. i sneezed like 8 times in a row before, and i have that general icky feeling. my throat hurts. i dont wanna be sick tomorrow for my double, nor do i wanna be sick thursday for my family outing. plus that whole healthcare thing. or lack thereof.. i cant afford to get an infection or anything. at least i dont take medicine, so i should be able to overcome.
i think ill go back to sleep now. my eyes are heavy. and if i sleep now i can still get like 6 hours.. almost 7. im going to have to get up at like 10 on thursday as well, so i need to get my beauty rest. i might go to this comedy club on LI thursday. derek writes comedy for this guy who is performing, and he invited me to come, its all VIP.. ooooh. so if he can get me a ride back, i will ask my dad to drop me off there in levittown on his way home thursday night.
UGH MORE SNEEZES!! only two that time though. tellin me to go to bed! nite nite....
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