Saturday, May 01, 2004
*forget you saw me standing there with lifeless eyes*
inside
oh.my.god. inside. soooo fucking good. ok, first of all... SO GOOD. so we got there are like 730.. and im like thinking "is inside ON??" cos i hear this familiar music.. and we get closer and realize its "cross crowded rooms" .. fucking silent majority was playing! they played 2-3 songs. i know they played "polar bear club" also.. we got there for "cross crowded rooms" only though.. anyway so yah we were like AAAHHH. then it was dearly departed (they are mike, the singer from inside's, new band) and they were good.. heads vs breakers played.. then kill your idols which was a blast from the past. i know they are still touring, they still play with the band of the enigma all the time, so.. anyway, KYI is playing and i spot him.. and he comes over and he looked soooo hot. it was really awkward (more about that later), and he was nervous/shy and fidgety, he kept pulling needles off the pine tree and playing with his zipper.. he told me he hates his job, that he wishes he could just get fired and collect unemployment.. he said they were going to NC to play today, and that he didnt wanna go, nor does he wanna play VA beach tomorrow.. he said he was going to call me that morning but went back to sleep. and when he woke up at 1 he was gonna call me, but he called jeff instead and he goes "i went for the dude. you know." and i was like "yah.." i dont know we talked he gave me a wimpy hug, then he said he had to go say goodbye to dan. so he left and i felt shitty. and then ryan came outside and he was like "fuckin milhouse!!" so milhouse played.. which was intense. i could hear them while i was talking to the enigma, but. yah. then blood red played.. then INSIDE!! before they played, tommy majority was like "are you guys ready for the emo machine that is inside?" and everyone was like woooooo. you know. they played, i was right up in front, battling with boys. motherfuckin emo boys dont give a damn, they are all about hurting people. hardcore boys look out for the girls. not emo boys. but i can hold my own, and i did. so there. and then it was over. and i was sad. i saw the boy again, he gave me a realllllly good hug, and told me to "work good tomorrow".. then i was like "ill see you around" and i hugged him again, another super good hug.. and he was like "ill see you" and i was sad and i left. saw pat and mike, who i havent seen in like six years. then we left, and ryan and i came back to brooklyn. *sigh* it was the BEST SHOW EVER.
ok so about the enigma. i really wanna go take a nap so this will be brief, but basically, yesterday afternoon i texted him, and he said he DIDNT GO to cursive.. that he stayed home and hung out and watched tv. so i was like "WHAT THE HELL" in my head, cos he could have seen me. so i was like "can i ask you something?" and he goes "Shoot" so i wrote something like "i dont get why when i was in vegas you said you were thinking about me all the time, and constantly wished i was there, and then he saw me and hes been not wanting to see me since.." and he basically said that he didnt know what happened, but that he thinks he feels like i get emotional about us, and he doesnt want to lead me to expect.. and i told him that no matter how many times i tell him i dont have expectations, it isnt good enough, and that i do get emotional bc i do have feelings. and he was like "i like you. i dont wanna hurt anyone, so i distance myself. i hate seeing you upset, and i dont want to let you down" and i said it hurt more when he avoids me and does this 180 bc it makes me feel like crap.. so he said that he thinks that next time we see each other we should work on really being just friends. so i said "thats fine. all i care about it spending time with you. i like hanging out with you, thats the bottom line" and he said "cool. im happy now." and i said something like "ok cool just stop avoiding me" so yah. then i saw him and it was weird. of course. i dont know whats going to happen. im going to practice self control when i see him, but i dont wanna not cuddle! that SUCKS. bc cuddling is my favorite thing to do with him.. i dont care if we dont make out, or if we dont hook up.. i wanna cuddle and laugh. fuck it.
anyway i just had that 8am server meeting, which was the biggest waste of my time in a long time. i walked with kim to the lexington station, and we had a gab fest about moving home and boys and we laughed.. we made jokes about drunken threesomes.. which is good, cos i was afraid it would be waaaay weird, but its cool that we can joke about it. we were on the phone thursday night, and she had some drama with her latest man (she broke up with gonzo) and i guess he hooked up w someone else and she was like "id rather not have known cos you know, its not like i wasnt hooking up with other people. i mean, i made out with you! hahahaha" so yah. im glad we can laugh about it, instead of pretending it never happened. we dont have to talk about it, that would be weird, but laughing about it is good.
ok nap time. zzzzzzz...
inside
oh.my.god. inside. soooo fucking good. ok, first of all... SO GOOD. so we got there are like 730.. and im like thinking "is inside ON??" cos i hear this familiar music.. and we get closer and realize its "cross crowded rooms" .. fucking silent majority was playing! they played 2-3 songs. i know they played "polar bear club" also.. we got there for "cross crowded rooms" only though.. anyway so yah we were like AAAHHH. then it was dearly departed (they are mike, the singer from inside's, new band) and they were good.. heads vs breakers played.. then kill your idols which was a blast from the past. i know they are still touring, they still play with the band of the enigma all the time, so.. anyway, KYI is playing and i spot him.. and he comes over and he looked soooo hot. it was really awkward (more about that later), and he was nervous/shy and fidgety, he kept pulling needles off the pine tree and playing with his zipper.. he told me he hates his job, that he wishes he could just get fired and collect unemployment.. he said they were going to NC to play today, and that he didnt wanna go, nor does he wanna play VA beach tomorrow.. he said he was going to call me that morning but went back to sleep. and when he woke up at 1 he was gonna call me, but he called jeff instead and he goes "i went for the dude. you know." and i was like "yah.." i dont know we talked he gave me a wimpy hug, then he said he had to go say goodbye to dan. so he left and i felt shitty. and then ryan came outside and he was like "fuckin milhouse!!" so milhouse played.. which was intense. i could hear them while i was talking to the enigma, but. yah. then blood red played.. then INSIDE!! before they played, tommy majority was like "are you guys ready for the emo machine that is inside?" and everyone was like woooooo. you know. they played, i was right up in front, battling with boys. motherfuckin emo boys dont give a damn, they are all about hurting people. hardcore boys look out for the girls. not emo boys. but i can hold my own, and i did. so there. and then it was over. and i was sad. i saw the boy again, he gave me a realllllly good hug, and told me to "work good tomorrow".. then i was like "ill see you around" and i hugged him again, another super good hug.. and he was like "ill see you" and i was sad and i left. saw pat and mike, who i havent seen in like six years. then we left, and ryan and i came back to brooklyn. *sigh* it was the BEST SHOW EVER.
ok so about the enigma. i really wanna go take a nap so this will be brief, but basically, yesterday afternoon i texted him, and he said he DIDNT GO to cursive.. that he stayed home and hung out and watched tv. so i was like "WHAT THE HELL" in my head, cos he could have seen me. so i was like "can i ask you something?" and he goes "Shoot" so i wrote something like "i dont get why when i was in vegas you said you were thinking about me all the time, and constantly wished i was there, and then he saw me and hes been not wanting to see me since.." and he basically said that he didnt know what happened, but that he thinks he feels like i get emotional about us, and he doesnt want to lead me to expect.. and i told him that no matter how many times i tell him i dont have expectations, it isnt good enough, and that i do get emotional bc i do have feelings. and he was like "i like you. i dont wanna hurt anyone, so i distance myself. i hate seeing you upset, and i dont want to let you down" and i said it hurt more when he avoids me and does this 180 bc it makes me feel like crap.. so he said that he thinks that next time we see each other we should work on really being just friends. so i said "thats fine. all i care about it spending time with you. i like hanging out with you, thats the bottom line" and he said "cool. im happy now." and i said something like "ok cool just stop avoiding me" so yah. then i saw him and it was weird. of course. i dont know whats going to happen. im going to practice self control when i see him, but i dont wanna not cuddle! that SUCKS. bc cuddling is my favorite thing to do with him.. i dont care if we dont make out, or if we dont hook up.. i wanna cuddle and laugh. fuck it.
anyway i just had that 8am server meeting, which was the biggest waste of my time in a long time. i walked with kim to the lexington station, and we had a gab fest about moving home and boys and we laughed.. we made jokes about drunken threesomes.. which is good, cos i was afraid it would be waaaay weird, but its cool that we can joke about it. we were on the phone thursday night, and she had some drama with her latest man (she broke up with gonzo) and i guess he hooked up w someone else and she was like "id rather not have known cos you know, its not like i wasnt hooking up with other people. i mean, i made out with you! hahahaha" so yah. im glad we can laugh about it, instead of pretending it never happened. we dont have to talk about it, that would be weird, but laughing about it is good.
ok nap time. zzzzzzz...
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