Tuesday, May 11, 2004
*if i turn around will you still be here? and when i said "i had enough" it doesnt mean that im giving up, if i open my mouth will you just sew it shut? and if i was different, would you feel the same? and if i asked for yr hand would you leave me hanging here?*
stillsuit.
its raining! rain rain rain. im kinda warm. its gonna be like 900 degrees tomorrow. i have therapy, and i feel the need to wear a short skirt. ill have to shave in the morning. boo. that means getting up a wee bit early. which skirt shall i wear? i wore the cute jean skirt last week. i also wore my camo skirt to therapy two weeks ago. i would SO wear my red pleated skirt if kim hadnt broke the zipper. :( we shall see. ill go through my skirts before i go to bed later. perhaps ill just wear the denim one. its really cute. i looove it.
i kinda wanna go to bed. its anly 1230, but eh. i woke up at noon, which is early for me. insane text message day.. allllll day steamy messages. he is soooo good at being just friends. ugh. eventually i caved and admitted that i wanted him too. he tried to get me to do two things. 1) let him come over for like half hour for a quickie or 2) wait till practice was finished and let him drive me tothe train so as we could hook up in the train parking lot. i was like.. um, how about not making me feel cheap? i was like "you dont wanna have time to just get it on, do you?" and he was like "no, yr right." but then later he was like "i wish you had let me come over today" like he realized it bothered me that he wanted a quickie, but that he was going to make me feel sort of guilty about turning him down. it sucked. i mean, i definitely WANTED to, but i knew that i would feel incredibly sad afterward, and used and like i meant nothing to him.. and i would feel empty and alone and i would probably cry a few times. because im not so disconnected from him that i can just have meaningless quickies. at least appease me and spend a few hours so as cuddles can be involved. none of that, hey-that-was-fun-i-gotta-catch-my-train-now crap.
its thundering. whenever there is a rumble, the tv skips a little. im tempted to go watch out my window, but im not gonna. i will wanna go to sleep then. im thinking i can put in another three hours or so. get up at 1030. that would be 7 hours sleep, plus tuesday is my nap day.. the season finale of one tree hill is on tomorrow!!! what am i going to DOOOOO until like OCTOBER when my show starts again? CRY! that is the only answer. im upset bc smallville isnt ending yet. why do *they* get extra episodes? grr..
i shopped ebay for t-shirts. i got two dashboard shirts and one alkaline shirt. i spent like $50. i need to stop spending i am totally dwindling my funds and i will be sorry. i hope im working wed. i have to pick up more shifts this week.. i might pick up next tuesday, since i have nothing better to do.. but then, the enigma said he would try to come visit me tuesday.. soooo.. i dont knowwwww. i need to start working more shifts again soon. this is becoming a debacle, me having no money.
oooh i looooove the sound of thunderstorms!!
im so full right now. i ate like half a bag of tostitos with queso, a 1/2 lb of potato salad, a bunch of jelly rings, 2 fruit roll-ups, and three pieces of cheese since i got here at 9pm. actually i had two slices of deli american cheese, which was very good, followed by a piece of velveeta cheese, which paled in comparison to the lovely deli slices. hmmm.. im going to be sorry tomorrow when i have the puffiest belly ever. i wont look so hot in my mini skirt then, and ill be sorry.
so. i wanna go back to vegas soooooo bad. seriously. its like all i think about. i feel like everything i see is telling me to go back to vegas. last night i watched this show called "breaking vegas" on the history channel. i keep seeing ads that are take offs from the "welcome to fabulous las vegas" sign.. or ads for vegas tourism online or on tv or in magazines. and the las vegas diner that i pass whenever i take cabs home from work. i see vegas EVERYWHERE. i think about playing roulette and the slots and getting trashed. i want to go back with derek sooo bad. id also like to go with the enigma, though i think thats slightly less possible seeing as they are going to be on tour in july, august and sept.. and besides, he would wanna stay holed up in the room being naked. i want to get drunk and gamble, and having sex would be cool but only after the other two things had been accomplished. or between them. it would not be a good focal point for vegas.
wow that was a huge lightning. im surprised the thunder hasnt woken candace. she is afraid of thunderstorms and i expect her to come running out here at any moment.
i CANNOT believe that deb is going to sleep with keith tomorrow on the hill!!!!! its like WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO??? blasphemy i say! i mean, i dont give a fuck about dan, but i do care about karen bc she is nice and she will probably be very sad if she finds out. and nathan! nathan would be pissed. im wayy too involved in the lives of these fictional characters.
that thunder sounded like a tree breaking or something.
::BOOM:: soooo exciting!!
twon is going to be busy tonight, its raining and people expect him to greet them at their cab with an umbrella. therefore, he will be less fun to talk to, and i will be bored. no one is online right now. my stomach hurts.
i am way all over the place right now. alas, the aforementioned condition of no one being online has driven me to mindless ramblings.
so i got this neat oil burner thing yesterday at the body shop. i went to the mall with my mom bc she saw an ad for $99 diamond stud earrings at macys. we were going to have lunch at the food court bc we had late dinner reservations and i was totally overtaken by this gorgeous scent. at first i resisted. we went to taco bell, then to this gourmet foods store and got those jelly rings and fruit roll-ups i mentioned before. we were walking back to macys to go home, and i smelled it again. my mom wanted to go into aldo so i did some detective work to find the gorgeous smell.. and it was coming from the body shop. i went in there, and i said to the boy behind the counter "i need this" while moving my finger in a big circular pattern, so as to let him know i needed the smell. he laughed and show me to the burners and the oils, and its called mandarin peel. it smells like mandarin goodness. its so sweet and inviting and mmm.. im way more excited that i probably should be. i flirted with the boy a little before realizing that boys met in the mall turn out to be stringers alongers who make me sad (read: the enigma).. my mom thought he was cute and embarassed me by trying to spark up a conversation. ok, a) he was like 22, tops, and b) he works at the body shop! i mean, i know i have low standards for the type of work my men do (you know, bartenders, waiters, musicians, people who work with lighting.. nothing prestigious), but cmon. one simply cannot support themself on that kind of salary. therefore, he probably lives at home. i let it slide that the enigma lives with his parents bc i really like him, but most of the ones i go for are out on their own, with no parental monitering of their life. the only time i have been to the enigmas house since we've been friends again is the time his parents were out of town.
*sigh*
i really dont wanna roll a j, but i dont have any roaches left. that was cool lightening too. the rain is seriously BEATING on my window. i think the storm is moving away, bc the lightning and thunder are happening further apart. it was never really close, but.. the rain has also stopped pounding. which is weird, it went from like full force to sporadic drops in seconds. perhaps its just a slight lull. i hope so. i want more storm please. oooooh now it smells like rain in here!!!! i feel so good now. awwww.. everything is ok in this moment. except im kinda sober which im against.
blah blah blah. thats me. blabbity girl. i dont know where my papers are. grr.. this is way too much work. i have to go to chevys tomorrow to get my schedule. i also have to go to NJ to pick up my hood for graduation, as well as my tassle. i dont need a cap and gown bc i already have them from undergrad. woo. saves me $40. i think my plan will be to go to therapy (duh) then walk over to the E train at 34th st. maybe ill walk further if its nice out. i mean, i get out of therapy at 1. even if i take my time and walk all the way to world trade center, which is feasible under the right weather conditions, i would make it to NJ by 3. once there, i only have to go to the book store, which would put me back on the newark subway (bc i will not walk to newark penn, there are way too many bad things that go on in newark for that, thanks) by like 345. and as long as im there before 4 i only have to pay fifty cents. YAY. stop at chevys on my way back.. gets me home by 5ish.. nap till 8? wake up have some dinner, watch the hill, swoon.. on friday, derek said we should get a drink tuesday.. which is tomorrow. i told him i wouldnt be able to till like 11, since law and order is on. he said to call him bc he figured he'd be getting back from atlantic city at that time. however, i am anti-calling anyone, so i will cheat. the beauty of people who have sprint is that i can simply call their voicemail via my voicemail and leave a message without their phone ever actually ringing. this way, it appears that they missed my call, when really i never called, i just sent a voicemail. this is also beautiful because about 5% of the time, sprint phones dont actually ring when someone is calling. youll have full service, sitting on the couch, and all the sudden youll have a voicemail. this happens to candace as well as me, therefore my results are scientific. i like it better that way, bc this way the ball is in HIS court. if he wants to get a drink with me, he will call me back, otherwise, i dont have to talk on the phone. im kind of hoping that if we do get drinks, it will be in brooklyn. but i doubt it. im sure it will be in some times square dive.. which is ok also, but then i gotta pay for a cab home.. and i be brizoke these days. i have pissed away most of the money i had saved up. kim still owes me $301, and i am going to need it soon. i would optimally like to save up $2000 for moving, and like $700 to go to vegas, plus pay bills.. and this all has to happen by july. wow that was a HUGE boom right after the lightning! NEAT! anyway. yah. $2700 in 2.5 months. i think its possible, i will just have to work a lot. i figure after graduation, i can just work work work. lets see. this week i *should* be scheduled wednesday, thursday, and fri night, plus say morning. i took off sat night/sun morning for my brothers bday. im going to li.. i cant work mon bc the colonial house thing on pbs starts that night. so does some other show i wanted to watch.. oh that big hoax that the wb is doing, by making people think they are potential stars when they really suck. that is on at 9. so i hope colonial house is only an hour. im pretty sure it starts at 8. i dont wanna work tuesday bc it has enigma potential. then the next schedule i should be working wed night, thurs night.. i should be off fri and sat for graduation.. working sunday. off mon tues.. after that i dont think i have any requests in. that gets us up to the mast week of may. so if i work constantly from the last week of may, excluding moms bday and fathers day, and possibly excluding the fourth of july bc the hot dog eating contest is good times, i can work like 5 days and perhaps more than five shifts. ill start picking up sat nights.. yah. i could then make like.. well i could potentially make like $600 or $700 a week.. if i averaged more than $150/day.. that would allow me enough to pay rent and pay bills, while putting aside some money every week. i dont know if i can do it. i really want to, but at the same time, im pretty sure that i will be cutting it close. i think i still have like 3 or 4 more rutgers checks, which is like.. $700.. the $300 kim owes me.. thats 1000 right there. i can do this, i can do this.. all i want is vegas and some money to move with, mmk? thanks.
wow. this is like the longest entry ever. i have been writing for an hour. i am thinking that soon there will be some computer catastophe which will destroy all of my babbles. therefore, i will evade murphys law and end here. perhaps more later. im sure ill have more to babble about shortly. xoxo.
stillsuit.
its raining! rain rain rain. im kinda warm. its gonna be like 900 degrees tomorrow. i have therapy, and i feel the need to wear a short skirt. ill have to shave in the morning. boo. that means getting up a wee bit early. which skirt shall i wear? i wore the cute jean skirt last week. i also wore my camo skirt to therapy two weeks ago. i would SO wear my red pleated skirt if kim hadnt broke the zipper. :( we shall see. ill go through my skirts before i go to bed later. perhaps ill just wear the denim one. its really cute. i looove it.
i kinda wanna go to bed. its anly 1230, but eh. i woke up at noon, which is early for me. insane text message day.. allllll day steamy messages. he is soooo good at being just friends. ugh. eventually i caved and admitted that i wanted him too. he tried to get me to do two things. 1) let him come over for like half hour for a quickie or 2) wait till practice was finished and let him drive me tothe train so as we could hook up in the train parking lot. i was like.. um, how about not making me feel cheap? i was like "you dont wanna have time to just get it on, do you?" and he was like "no, yr right." but then later he was like "i wish you had let me come over today" like he realized it bothered me that he wanted a quickie, but that he was going to make me feel sort of guilty about turning him down. it sucked. i mean, i definitely WANTED to, but i knew that i would feel incredibly sad afterward, and used and like i meant nothing to him.. and i would feel empty and alone and i would probably cry a few times. because im not so disconnected from him that i can just have meaningless quickies. at least appease me and spend a few hours so as cuddles can be involved. none of that, hey-that-was-fun-i-gotta-catch-my-train-now crap.
its thundering. whenever there is a rumble, the tv skips a little. im tempted to go watch out my window, but im not gonna. i will wanna go to sleep then. im thinking i can put in another three hours or so. get up at 1030. that would be 7 hours sleep, plus tuesday is my nap day.. the season finale of one tree hill is on tomorrow!!! what am i going to DOOOOO until like OCTOBER when my show starts again? CRY! that is the only answer. im upset bc smallville isnt ending yet. why do *they* get extra episodes? grr..
i shopped ebay for t-shirts. i got two dashboard shirts and one alkaline shirt. i spent like $50. i need to stop spending i am totally dwindling my funds and i will be sorry. i hope im working wed. i have to pick up more shifts this week.. i might pick up next tuesday, since i have nothing better to do.. but then, the enigma said he would try to come visit me tuesday.. soooo.. i dont knowwwww. i need to start working more shifts again soon. this is becoming a debacle, me having no money.
oooh i looooove the sound of thunderstorms!!
im so full right now. i ate like half a bag of tostitos with queso, a 1/2 lb of potato salad, a bunch of jelly rings, 2 fruit roll-ups, and three pieces of cheese since i got here at 9pm. actually i had two slices of deli american cheese, which was very good, followed by a piece of velveeta cheese, which paled in comparison to the lovely deli slices. hmmm.. im going to be sorry tomorrow when i have the puffiest belly ever. i wont look so hot in my mini skirt then, and ill be sorry.
so. i wanna go back to vegas soooooo bad. seriously. its like all i think about. i feel like everything i see is telling me to go back to vegas. last night i watched this show called "breaking vegas" on the history channel. i keep seeing ads that are take offs from the "welcome to fabulous las vegas" sign.. or ads for vegas tourism online or on tv or in magazines. and the las vegas diner that i pass whenever i take cabs home from work. i see vegas EVERYWHERE. i think about playing roulette and the slots and getting trashed. i want to go back with derek sooo bad. id also like to go with the enigma, though i think thats slightly less possible seeing as they are going to be on tour in july, august and sept.. and besides, he would wanna stay holed up in the room being naked. i want to get drunk and gamble, and having sex would be cool but only after the other two things had been accomplished. or between them. it would not be a good focal point for vegas.
wow that was a huge lightning. im surprised the thunder hasnt woken candace. she is afraid of thunderstorms and i expect her to come running out here at any moment.
i CANNOT believe that deb is going to sleep with keith tomorrow on the hill!!!!! its like WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO??? blasphemy i say! i mean, i dont give a fuck about dan, but i do care about karen bc she is nice and she will probably be very sad if she finds out. and nathan! nathan would be pissed. im wayy too involved in the lives of these fictional characters.
that thunder sounded like a tree breaking or something.
::BOOM:: soooo exciting!!
twon is going to be busy tonight, its raining and people expect him to greet them at their cab with an umbrella. therefore, he will be less fun to talk to, and i will be bored. no one is online right now. my stomach hurts.
i am way all over the place right now. alas, the aforementioned condition of no one being online has driven me to mindless ramblings.
so i got this neat oil burner thing yesterday at the body shop. i went to the mall with my mom bc she saw an ad for $99 diamond stud earrings at macys. we were going to have lunch at the food court bc we had late dinner reservations and i was totally overtaken by this gorgeous scent. at first i resisted. we went to taco bell, then to this gourmet foods store and got those jelly rings and fruit roll-ups i mentioned before. we were walking back to macys to go home, and i smelled it again. my mom wanted to go into aldo so i did some detective work to find the gorgeous smell.. and it was coming from the body shop. i went in there, and i said to the boy behind the counter "i need this" while moving my finger in a big circular pattern, so as to let him know i needed the smell. he laughed and show me to the burners and the oils, and its called mandarin peel. it smells like mandarin goodness. its so sweet and inviting and mmm.. im way more excited that i probably should be. i flirted with the boy a little before realizing that boys met in the mall turn out to be stringers alongers who make me sad (read: the enigma).. my mom thought he was cute and embarassed me by trying to spark up a conversation. ok, a) he was like 22, tops, and b) he works at the body shop! i mean, i know i have low standards for the type of work my men do (you know, bartenders, waiters, musicians, people who work with lighting.. nothing prestigious), but cmon. one simply cannot support themself on that kind of salary. therefore, he probably lives at home. i let it slide that the enigma lives with his parents bc i really like him, but most of the ones i go for are out on their own, with no parental monitering of their life. the only time i have been to the enigmas house since we've been friends again is the time his parents were out of town.
*sigh*
i really dont wanna roll a j, but i dont have any roaches left. that was cool lightening too. the rain is seriously BEATING on my window. i think the storm is moving away, bc the lightning and thunder are happening further apart. it was never really close, but.. the rain has also stopped pounding. which is weird, it went from like full force to sporadic drops in seconds. perhaps its just a slight lull. i hope so. i want more storm please. oooooh now it smells like rain in here!!!! i feel so good now. awwww.. everything is ok in this moment. except im kinda sober which im against.
blah blah blah. thats me. blabbity girl. i dont know where my papers are. grr.. this is way too much work. i have to go to chevys tomorrow to get my schedule. i also have to go to NJ to pick up my hood for graduation, as well as my tassle. i dont need a cap and gown bc i already have them from undergrad. woo. saves me $40. i think my plan will be to go to therapy (duh) then walk over to the E train at 34th st. maybe ill walk further if its nice out. i mean, i get out of therapy at 1. even if i take my time and walk all the way to world trade center, which is feasible under the right weather conditions, i would make it to NJ by 3. once there, i only have to go to the book store, which would put me back on the newark subway (bc i will not walk to newark penn, there are way too many bad things that go on in newark for that, thanks) by like 345. and as long as im there before 4 i only have to pay fifty cents. YAY. stop at chevys on my way back.. gets me home by 5ish.. nap till 8? wake up have some dinner, watch the hill, swoon.. on friday, derek said we should get a drink tuesday.. which is tomorrow. i told him i wouldnt be able to till like 11, since law and order is on. he said to call him bc he figured he'd be getting back from atlantic city at that time. however, i am anti-calling anyone, so i will cheat. the beauty of people who have sprint is that i can simply call their voicemail via my voicemail and leave a message without their phone ever actually ringing. this way, it appears that they missed my call, when really i never called, i just sent a voicemail. this is also beautiful because about 5% of the time, sprint phones dont actually ring when someone is calling. youll have full service, sitting on the couch, and all the sudden youll have a voicemail. this happens to candace as well as me, therefore my results are scientific. i like it better that way, bc this way the ball is in HIS court. if he wants to get a drink with me, he will call me back, otherwise, i dont have to talk on the phone. im kind of hoping that if we do get drinks, it will be in brooklyn. but i doubt it. im sure it will be in some times square dive.. which is ok also, but then i gotta pay for a cab home.. and i be brizoke these days. i have pissed away most of the money i had saved up. kim still owes me $301, and i am going to need it soon. i would optimally like to save up $2000 for moving, and like $700 to go to vegas, plus pay bills.. and this all has to happen by july. wow that was a HUGE boom right after the lightning! NEAT! anyway. yah. $2700 in 2.5 months. i think its possible, i will just have to work a lot. i figure after graduation, i can just work work work. lets see. this week i *should* be scheduled wednesday, thursday, and fri night, plus say morning. i took off sat night/sun morning for my brothers bday. im going to li.. i cant work mon bc the colonial house thing on pbs starts that night. so does some other show i wanted to watch.. oh that big hoax that the wb is doing, by making people think they are potential stars when they really suck. that is on at 9. so i hope colonial house is only an hour. im pretty sure it starts at 8. i dont wanna work tuesday bc it has enigma potential. then the next schedule i should be working wed night, thurs night.. i should be off fri and sat for graduation.. working sunday. off mon tues.. after that i dont think i have any requests in. that gets us up to the mast week of may. so if i work constantly from the last week of may, excluding moms bday and fathers day, and possibly excluding the fourth of july bc the hot dog eating contest is good times, i can work like 5 days and perhaps more than five shifts. ill start picking up sat nights.. yah. i could then make like.. well i could potentially make like $600 or $700 a week.. if i averaged more than $150/day.. that would allow me enough to pay rent and pay bills, while putting aside some money every week. i dont know if i can do it. i really want to, but at the same time, im pretty sure that i will be cutting it close. i think i still have like 3 or 4 more rutgers checks, which is like.. $700.. the $300 kim owes me.. thats 1000 right there. i can do this, i can do this.. all i want is vegas and some money to move with, mmk? thanks.
wow. this is like the longest entry ever. i have been writing for an hour. i am thinking that soon there will be some computer catastophe which will destroy all of my babbles. therefore, i will evade murphys law and end here. perhaps more later. im sure ill have more to babble about shortly. xoxo.
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