Wednesday, June 02, 2004
*somebody has to keep justice in tact, somebody has to get stabbed in the back. its for a good cause. now do what they ask.*
cursive
today was fairly uneventful. i woke up at 2. texted with the enigma for a while. gathered the following: A) he misses me; B) he misses me bc i am hot; C) hes trying not to need to see me all the time; D) this is because when he sees me, he wants to do unmentionable things; and E) this is why we dont hang out anymore. i think. here, you figure it out:
..i accuse him of getting some regularly, seeing as he wasnt as wanting to see me as usual..
4:58pm: "you know i always wanna see you. im just trying not to get all excited and need to see you so much. does that make sense? i feel like we hang out to get off. ha."
..so i say that its not that he misses ME, its that he misses the sex. and that we dont have to have sex, we can just hang out..
5:21pm: "no thats not true. its just that i think yr super hot so i miss you... then see you... then want to do unmentionable things to you."
someday i will understand this boy. i said to him that we dont NEED to have sex, we can just hang out. just cos he WANTS to do unmentionable things doesnt mean we have to. whatever.
in other news, i went to see saved! tonight. it was very funny, it made me laugh and cry. i went with twon and his girlfriend. it was a wee bit awkward. but it was fun. after the movie we wandered around union square for a little while, then i came home. i took the L to bedford ave and i called my mom while i walked here from there. its a nice walk, and tonight felt nice out. it takes like 20 minutes. so i talked to my mom about that guy i went on a date with last week, then i talked to her about derek and the enigma. i was telling her about how i ruled derek out of the gene pool bc with my alcoholic genes and his alcoholic genes, we would have babies that came out of the womb demanding hard liquor. id be like "want some milk?" and they'd be like "jack!!" she was hysterically laughing. [conan just mentioned vegas - "its just like vegas, you have to know when to move on" ITS MY FATE] so i told her about them, and how the enigma would ditch me for jeff, and how derek would ditch me for justin, and she said that they were just not at the same place as me, always wanting to hang out with the guys still.. and i understand that. but it sucks that all the guys i LIKE are still attached to bachelorhood. i mean, each of them (derek and enigma) have traits i love.. enigma: tells corny jokes, has hot tattoos, makes me laugh, good cuddles, likes the same music as me, he makes me feel really good when we are together. derek: makes me laugh a lot, i feel comfortable talking to him about everything, there is never awkwardness or silence, he has really hot tattoos (and i love when he like rubs his left shoulder and pushes up his sleeve so the letters show.. *swoon* he was doing it at the diner and it made me want him bad), hes a *really* good cuddler, hes silly. but both have the same negative traits: flighty, give mixed signals, obviously care about me, but arent ready to settle down.. ugh. its like they are different versions of the same boy. i attract them, i swear. i was talking to kim about it yesterday, and she was saying that i should be careful cos derek goes for the crazy girls, and i was definitely being histrionic and falling apart on sunday. but i dont know, even when i was falling apart, i TRUSTED him, i let him wrap me in his arms and kick at the bottoms of my jeans with his shoe, and when he pressed me close to him i relaxed all the upper body muscles i had tensed and let him fold me in as i breathed in the warmth that exuded from his chest.. and the way he took my face in his hands when he told me a promise wasnt good enough if i didnt look him in the eye when i said it.......
perhaps i wasnt meant to understand the male gender. perhaps i should just let it go, and take things as they come. its hard though, when i wake up every morning and the first thing i think of is to look down at my phone and see if i have a text from the enigma. i miss him insanely. if we could hang out i would totally forego sexual relations if thats what he wanted. i just wanna sit next to him, and breathe his smell and maybe cuddle a little.
i want both boys. what would i even do if things worked out with derek? would i be able to give up the enigma? would my longing for him subside if i woke up beside the same boy almost every morning? or would i be the bastard cheater girl i have never been before in my life?
and you know what, where the fuck is the love i was supposed to find when i travelled by air?
cursive
today was fairly uneventful. i woke up at 2. texted with the enigma for a while. gathered the following: A) he misses me; B) he misses me bc i am hot; C) hes trying not to need to see me all the time; D) this is because when he sees me, he wants to do unmentionable things; and E) this is why we dont hang out anymore. i think. here, you figure it out:
..i accuse him of getting some regularly, seeing as he wasnt as wanting to see me as usual..
4:58pm: "you know i always wanna see you. im just trying not to get all excited and need to see you so much. does that make sense? i feel like we hang out to get off. ha."
..so i say that its not that he misses ME, its that he misses the sex. and that we dont have to have sex, we can just hang out..
5:21pm: "no thats not true. its just that i think yr super hot so i miss you... then see you... then want to do unmentionable things to you."
someday i will understand this boy. i said to him that we dont NEED to have sex, we can just hang out. just cos he WANTS to do unmentionable things doesnt mean we have to. whatever.
in other news, i went to see saved! tonight. it was very funny, it made me laugh and cry. i went with twon and his girlfriend. it was a wee bit awkward. but it was fun. after the movie we wandered around union square for a little while, then i came home. i took the L to bedford ave and i called my mom while i walked here from there. its a nice walk, and tonight felt nice out. it takes like 20 minutes. so i talked to my mom about that guy i went on a date with last week, then i talked to her about derek and the enigma. i was telling her about how i ruled derek out of the gene pool bc with my alcoholic genes and his alcoholic genes, we would have babies that came out of the womb demanding hard liquor. id be like "want some milk?" and they'd be like "jack!!" she was hysterically laughing. [conan just mentioned vegas - "its just like vegas, you have to know when to move on" ITS MY FATE] so i told her about them, and how the enigma would ditch me for jeff, and how derek would ditch me for justin, and she said that they were just not at the same place as me, always wanting to hang out with the guys still.. and i understand that. but it sucks that all the guys i LIKE are still attached to bachelorhood. i mean, each of them (derek and enigma) have traits i love.. enigma: tells corny jokes, has hot tattoos, makes me laugh, good cuddles, likes the same music as me, he makes me feel really good when we are together. derek: makes me laugh a lot, i feel comfortable talking to him about everything, there is never awkwardness or silence, he has really hot tattoos (and i love when he like rubs his left shoulder and pushes up his sleeve so the letters show.. *swoon* he was doing it at the diner and it made me want him bad), hes a *really* good cuddler, hes silly. but both have the same negative traits: flighty, give mixed signals, obviously care about me, but arent ready to settle down.. ugh. its like they are different versions of the same boy. i attract them, i swear. i was talking to kim about it yesterday, and she was saying that i should be careful cos derek goes for the crazy girls, and i was definitely being histrionic and falling apart on sunday. but i dont know, even when i was falling apart, i TRUSTED him, i let him wrap me in his arms and kick at the bottoms of my jeans with his shoe, and when he pressed me close to him i relaxed all the upper body muscles i had tensed and let him fold me in as i breathed in the warmth that exuded from his chest.. and the way he took my face in his hands when he told me a promise wasnt good enough if i didnt look him in the eye when i said it.......
perhaps i wasnt meant to understand the male gender. perhaps i should just let it go, and take things as they come. its hard though, when i wake up every morning and the first thing i think of is to look down at my phone and see if i have a text from the enigma. i miss him insanely. if we could hang out i would totally forego sexual relations if thats what he wanted. i just wanna sit next to him, and breathe his smell and maybe cuddle a little.
i want both boys. what would i even do if things worked out with derek? would i be able to give up the enigma? would my longing for him subside if i woke up beside the same boy almost every morning? or would i be the bastard cheater girl i have never been before in my life?
and you know what, where the fuck is the love i was supposed to find when i travelled by air?
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