Friday, July 09, 2004
*feel like every chance to leave is another chance i should have took. every minute is a mile. ive never felt so hallow. im an old abandoned church with broken pews and empty aisles.*
brand new
so.. im looking at the insert for this brand new cd (deja entendu) and i noticed that in the thank yous its like "we play: blah blah and get tattooed by: brian povack. thats a blast from the past.. he was this hc kid i met through chris and the coincide boys, i think i met him at a new years party at krugs. whenever i see the sign for 108 St on the LIE, i think of povack. anyway, yah. i hung out with him one time after the party, it was pretty much a one night stand. but during the day. i heard months later that brian thought i was brushing him off bc i didnt hug him when i left.. i think i just felt weird about everything. i was like 17. it was in the height of my im-only-worth-my-body days. he was apprenticing back then. he drew in one of my journals. it says "108," hence the association. it was like his favorite band. i also bought the lisa loeb cd "firecacker" that day. i listened to "i do" on repeat on my way home. i have the best memory EVER.
um yah. tearful day for me. mike stayed over last night.. well ok. i guess i didnt write yesterday, so i need to fill myself in. um, ok. so yesterday i had work. it sucked, it wasnt busy, people werent tipping very well. but this is the highlight of my evening: I GOT TWO GIRLS KICKED OUT! wooo!! this is how it happened: two girls sit at my table. the one on my left orders a large strawberry margarita. the one on my right orders a water. i card girl #1. she was born 1982. i bring them. the girl on the right (who looks like 19) puts her straw in the margarita. i cant let this happen bc my manager is right at the bar, and i tell her this. she says she doesnt have id. she gets cunty. i make her take her straw out of the drink. ok. they eat, they sit there forFUCKINGever, and im all done, trying to leave, and they are not even looking at the check. so i ask them to pay, nicely, so as i can go home. in the checkbook, i find $40.12, exact change. i look over and see the girl on the right taking a sip of the margarita, i narrow my eyes at her when shes looking, and i go over to my manager at the door. i tell him to keep an eye on her. he stands at the bar for about 2 minutes before he sees her sip it, and he goes over and yells at them and makes them leave. TEACH YOU TO STIFF YR WAITER!!! bastards. thats my favorite kind of revenge, the kind that irritates others. spitting in food isnt gratifying to me. the person never KNOWS you did it, but these girls KNOW i got them kicked out. ok. so after that glorious moment of my life, i meet mike outside work. we go to duane reade, then to the subway, and we get here. smoke, talk.. we talked all night. went to bed. we talked in bed for a while. its weird, its like he is my boyfriend without the physical stuff.. but i think the physical would be weird. like, he keeps saying that the only reason that he doesnt wanna be more than friends with me is bc im obsessed with someone else.. but im not sure id *want* to be more than friends with him.. i think introducing physicality into our relationship would make it weird. plus i care about him too much to make that leap, since im 99% sure id cheat on anyone i committed to while i still have feelings for the enigma. but yah. we fell asleep at like 6. got up at 3. i spit in my sleep again, its so weird, i wake up and im spitting. that aside.. we watched court tv (what else is new) and i went to work. work was LAME. dead, no money. i made fuckin $50. ugh. and it was enigmaful..
soooo yesterday he texts me all dirty at like 630. and we have a dirty text conversation ALL NIGHT. seriously. like non stop for 6 hours. he was driving through the night to get home. then today it was the same. more dirty convo.. and then he told me he was home, and that he wanted to come over for a quickie tonight, if i wanted.. and i was like no.. and i really hurt me that he was asking me for a quickie after evrything.. and i was like "i guess thats what i mean to you." and he was like "its not like that.." ok here let me just type the messages..
i asked him where he was, bc he asked me if i was at work..
him: "home. i am meeting up with a bunch of people at 12 though so i was going to see if you want a quickie. i know it kinda sucks, but it might be the only time."
me: "i dont want a quickie. you have a girl for that."
him: "doh.. ive been thinking of you constantly and wanted to see you. alright. sorry i asked."
me: "yah i forgot for a minute that thats what i mean to you.. but i cant let you come and get off and then run back to yr regular life."
him: "hey thats not what i meant. i thought it might be fun. we talk a lot so i thought you might be into it. forget it. i dont think driving two hours is fun but for you i would. its not for the sex. for the company."
** i think this is a load of crap. bc had he driven an hour to see me, hed have had 45 minutes with me. i guarentee we would have been hooking up within the first 15 mins.. there would be practically no cuddling, he would leave and i would feel alone and empty and dirty and want to die.
me: i dont remember what i said here, and i deleted the text on accident.
him: "aw im sorry. you know i want you. just im stuck on this girl but i think about you constantly. im just as confused. dont hate yr life though. sorry i ruin stuff."
me: "i feel like ill always be the one you dont chose, even going back to suzanne, you chose her then, you chose this girl now, even though you say you think youd be happier with me. its like ill never bee good enough."
him: "its not like that. its just i was with the other girl first and i have a hard time walking away. its definitely not that yr not good enough. just timing."
me: "i just dont understand how you could tell me you wake up wishing she were me, and then im still not enough, it confuses me, it makes me hate myself. you cant understand. you have BOTH girls you want, and i have nothing bc i care about you too much."
him: "no, why would you say that? i dont want you to be upset. you shouldnt be. i shouldnt let it go this far. im so sorry."
me: "theres nothing you can do. i just have to accept that ill never be the one you wanna be with. i dont know, i wish things were different, that i could mean to you what you mean to me."
him: "thats not fair. it really is bad timing. you can see how long ive known you and how ive never forgot about you.. even when you hated me. dont say that."
me: "i didnt hate you. i was really hurt. ive wanted to be with you for 7 years and i keep hoping but i feel like it will never be, ill always be yr back up, ill never be yr one."
.. and he didnt respond. so i said i guessed he was busy, and id talk to him another time.
.. and he still didnt respond, so i sent hima message telling him what a fucking wreck i was bc i had been crying since like 830 when the whole "quickie" thing came up.. like i was at work, with tears running down my cheeks, trying to text through tears. it was disgusting. i was crying in the storage room. flc jesse was trying to console me. he told me i shouldnt let him see me cry. and he hugged me a bunch and told me that i shouldnt let this guy break my heart. but i do. of course. of course.
and someone stole my fucking book. did i already say this? i had 33 pages of fight club left, and i fucking forgot to put it in my locker and someone STOLE it! who the fuck at chevy's reads??? no one! fuckers. tomorrow at the meeting i will ask for my book back. i will demand it. i was sooo into the story. i NEEDED it. and it was taken from me. which made me cry more, bc i was already mentally unstable. i left working wanting to do something terribly self destructive. i thought of all the terrible things i could do on my way home, i thought about wandering brooklyn, i thought about coming home and taking swigs of tequila and smoking large amounts of pot so as i could just sleeeeep and maybe i wouldnt wake up. or i thought about how much i could torture myself by not eating. cos im starving, but i refused to buy food at the store. im punishing myself for being inadequate and stupid and way too emotional.
so im feeling kinda lightheaded bc i didnt even eat chips and queso at work today. i did have some tortilla chips at home with mike while watching judge judy. but that was at like 4, and its been almost 12 hours since then, and it hardly qualifies as a meal. oh its like my stomach knew i was thinking about it, it just let our a huge growl. "feed me!" "NO!"
wow. maybe i am really going crazy. maybe its just a matter of time before its time for me to head off to the institution for my shock treatments. maybe i should give up the fight and cave to the prozac nation. become complacent, and lose the fire i have within me..
*i need a catalyst to rekindle the flame that once burned within these fists where defeat remains*
cursive
antidepressants. jenn still think i need them. jenn = my therapist. i never call her by her professional name when im talking about her behind her back. you know, to protect her privacy, the way shes supposed to protect mine. i guess. i dont know though. im afraid to balance out the nuerons or nuerotransmitters or whatever they are. what if it made me a whole nother person? what if i was never the same again? because you know, deep down, i do love myself. i love who i am, what i stand for, and all that i could become. its just parts of me i hate, parts of me i wish i could kill off with enough self medication and drowning myself in sleep. maybe the shock treatments will make those elements, the needy girl that has no fucking ability to say goodbye bc shes pathetic, fucking pathetic. that girl, that part of me, she needs to die again. i killed her once before, i said goodbye to the enigma before, but ive been beaten back down since then, thanks to nick who made me feel like a worthless piece of shit all the time.. and shes back, she cant let go, she holds on and lets them walk all over.. all over..
i need to stop this, as im writing in a public forum and you cant know me. i dont even know me. its not fair.
brand new
so.. im looking at the insert for this brand new cd (deja entendu) and i noticed that in the thank yous its like "we play: blah blah and get tattooed by: brian povack. thats a blast from the past.. he was this hc kid i met through chris and the coincide boys, i think i met him at a new years party at krugs. whenever i see the sign for 108 St on the LIE, i think of povack. anyway, yah. i hung out with him one time after the party, it was pretty much a one night stand. but during the day. i heard months later that brian thought i was brushing him off bc i didnt hug him when i left.. i think i just felt weird about everything. i was like 17. it was in the height of my im-only-worth-my-body days. he was apprenticing back then. he drew in one of my journals. it says "108," hence the association. it was like his favorite band. i also bought the lisa loeb cd "firecacker" that day. i listened to "i do" on repeat on my way home. i have the best memory EVER.
um yah. tearful day for me. mike stayed over last night.. well ok. i guess i didnt write yesterday, so i need to fill myself in. um, ok. so yesterday i had work. it sucked, it wasnt busy, people werent tipping very well. but this is the highlight of my evening: I GOT TWO GIRLS KICKED OUT! wooo!! this is how it happened: two girls sit at my table. the one on my left orders a large strawberry margarita. the one on my right orders a water. i card girl #1. she was born 1982. i bring them. the girl on the right (who looks like 19) puts her straw in the margarita. i cant let this happen bc my manager is right at the bar, and i tell her this. she says she doesnt have id. she gets cunty. i make her take her straw out of the drink. ok. they eat, they sit there forFUCKINGever, and im all done, trying to leave, and they are not even looking at the check. so i ask them to pay, nicely, so as i can go home. in the checkbook, i find $40.12, exact change. i look over and see the girl on the right taking a sip of the margarita, i narrow my eyes at her when shes looking, and i go over to my manager at the door. i tell him to keep an eye on her. he stands at the bar for about 2 minutes before he sees her sip it, and he goes over and yells at them and makes them leave. TEACH YOU TO STIFF YR WAITER!!! bastards. thats my favorite kind of revenge, the kind that irritates others. spitting in food isnt gratifying to me. the person never KNOWS you did it, but these girls KNOW i got them kicked out. ok. so after that glorious moment of my life, i meet mike outside work. we go to duane reade, then to the subway, and we get here. smoke, talk.. we talked all night. went to bed. we talked in bed for a while. its weird, its like he is my boyfriend without the physical stuff.. but i think the physical would be weird. like, he keeps saying that the only reason that he doesnt wanna be more than friends with me is bc im obsessed with someone else.. but im not sure id *want* to be more than friends with him.. i think introducing physicality into our relationship would make it weird. plus i care about him too much to make that leap, since im 99% sure id cheat on anyone i committed to while i still have feelings for the enigma. but yah. we fell asleep at like 6. got up at 3. i spit in my sleep again, its so weird, i wake up and im spitting. that aside.. we watched court tv (what else is new) and i went to work. work was LAME. dead, no money. i made fuckin $50. ugh. and it was enigmaful..
soooo yesterday he texts me all dirty at like 630. and we have a dirty text conversation ALL NIGHT. seriously. like non stop for 6 hours. he was driving through the night to get home. then today it was the same. more dirty convo.. and then he told me he was home, and that he wanted to come over for a quickie tonight, if i wanted.. and i was like no.. and i really hurt me that he was asking me for a quickie after evrything.. and i was like "i guess thats what i mean to you." and he was like "its not like that.." ok here let me just type the messages..
i asked him where he was, bc he asked me if i was at work..
him: "home. i am meeting up with a bunch of people at 12 though so i was going to see if you want a quickie. i know it kinda sucks, but it might be the only time."
me: "i dont want a quickie. you have a girl for that."
him: "doh.. ive been thinking of you constantly and wanted to see you. alright. sorry i asked."
me: "yah i forgot for a minute that thats what i mean to you.. but i cant let you come and get off and then run back to yr regular life."
him: "hey thats not what i meant. i thought it might be fun. we talk a lot so i thought you might be into it. forget it. i dont think driving two hours is fun but for you i would. its not for the sex. for the company."
** i think this is a load of crap. bc had he driven an hour to see me, hed have had 45 minutes with me. i guarentee we would have been hooking up within the first 15 mins.. there would be practically no cuddling, he would leave and i would feel alone and empty and dirty and want to die.
me: i dont remember what i said here, and i deleted the text on accident.
him: "aw im sorry. you know i want you. just im stuck on this girl but i think about you constantly. im just as confused. dont hate yr life though. sorry i ruin stuff."
me: "i feel like ill always be the one you dont chose, even going back to suzanne, you chose her then, you chose this girl now, even though you say you think youd be happier with me. its like ill never bee good enough."
him: "its not like that. its just i was with the other girl first and i have a hard time walking away. its definitely not that yr not good enough. just timing."
me: "i just dont understand how you could tell me you wake up wishing she were me, and then im still not enough, it confuses me, it makes me hate myself. you cant understand. you have BOTH girls you want, and i have nothing bc i care about you too much."
him: "no, why would you say that? i dont want you to be upset. you shouldnt be. i shouldnt let it go this far. im so sorry."
me: "theres nothing you can do. i just have to accept that ill never be the one you wanna be with. i dont know, i wish things were different, that i could mean to you what you mean to me."
him: "thats not fair. it really is bad timing. you can see how long ive known you and how ive never forgot about you.. even when you hated me. dont say that."
me: "i didnt hate you. i was really hurt. ive wanted to be with you for 7 years and i keep hoping but i feel like it will never be, ill always be yr back up, ill never be yr one."
.. and he didnt respond. so i said i guessed he was busy, and id talk to him another time.
.. and he still didnt respond, so i sent hima message telling him what a fucking wreck i was bc i had been crying since like 830 when the whole "quickie" thing came up.. like i was at work, with tears running down my cheeks, trying to text through tears. it was disgusting. i was crying in the storage room. flc jesse was trying to console me. he told me i shouldnt let him see me cry. and he hugged me a bunch and told me that i shouldnt let this guy break my heart. but i do. of course. of course.
and someone stole my fucking book. did i already say this? i had 33 pages of fight club left, and i fucking forgot to put it in my locker and someone STOLE it! who the fuck at chevy's reads??? no one! fuckers. tomorrow at the meeting i will ask for my book back. i will demand it. i was sooo into the story. i NEEDED it. and it was taken from me. which made me cry more, bc i was already mentally unstable. i left working wanting to do something terribly self destructive. i thought of all the terrible things i could do on my way home, i thought about wandering brooklyn, i thought about coming home and taking swigs of tequila and smoking large amounts of pot so as i could just sleeeeep and maybe i wouldnt wake up. or i thought about how much i could torture myself by not eating. cos im starving, but i refused to buy food at the store. im punishing myself for being inadequate and stupid and way too emotional.
so im feeling kinda lightheaded bc i didnt even eat chips and queso at work today. i did have some tortilla chips at home with mike while watching judge judy. but that was at like 4, and its been almost 12 hours since then, and it hardly qualifies as a meal. oh its like my stomach knew i was thinking about it, it just let our a huge growl. "feed me!" "NO!"
wow. maybe i am really going crazy. maybe its just a matter of time before its time for me to head off to the institution for my shock treatments. maybe i should give up the fight and cave to the prozac nation. become complacent, and lose the fire i have within me..
*i need a catalyst to rekindle the flame that once burned within these fists where defeat remains*
cursive
antidepressants. jenn still think i need them. jenn = my therapist. i never call her by her professional name when im talking about her behind her back. you know, to protect her privacy, the way shes supposed to protect mine. i guess. i dont know though. im afraid to balance out the nuerons or nuerotransmitters or whatever they are. what if it made me a whole nother person? what if i was never the same again? because you know, deep down, i do love myself. i love who i am, what i stand for, and all that i could become. its just parts of me i hate, parts of me i wish i could kill off with enough self medication and drowning myself in sleep. maybe the shock treatments will make those elements, the needy girl that has no fucking ability to say goodbye bc shes pathetic, fucking pathetic. that girl, that part of me, she needs to die again. i killed her once before, i said goodbye to the enigma before, but ive been beaten back down since then, thanks to nick who made me feel like a worthless piece of shit all the time.. and shes back, she cant let go, she holds on and lets them walk all over.. all over..
i need to stop this, as im writing in a public forum and you cant know me. i dont even know me. its not fair.
Subscribe to Comments [Atom]