Saturday, July 10, 2004
*it was the hope of all we might have been, that filled me with the hope to wish impossible things.*
the cure
i got a counter at the bottom of my webpage now. woooo. it says i have 7 hits, but that could all be me, since last night i was itching to see it, and kept clicking on my blog.
so. um, work was ok. i was in 3. i got to check sidework, which gives me an enormous amount of pleasure. i love writing peoples names on the board. however, its not much fun anymore. remember i talked about work names once before, and how im julie kanotherbier? and justin was dustin, shasta was sasha, kathy was katya, kim was camille... yah. they are all gone. julie remains stuck at the workplace. forever. back then *everyone* got similar names to their own on the sidework chart. now its boring, regular names. i had this one table that got a little bit too drunk, and the one guy was funny, he was talking to me, and after like 4 margaritas i cut him off.. and his friends were like "aw thats kinda insulting" but i chatted with them for a while, and i explained to them that its illegal to be drunk in public, so i cant serve you till yr trashed.. and then he was pretty smashed, and his friend came up to me, and he was like "wow, yr good at this.. he needed to be cut off!" and they left me $57 on $243. woooo!! thats more than 20%. YAY! after work i was tlaking to ricardo a bunch, and we decided to go to the diner. he was telling me about how his family had to flee guatamala city bc their lives were in danger, and how many people he has seen get shot, etc.. it was weird. he is very cultured. he was born in new orleans, moved to london with his mom til he was 9, then to guatamala city. then he moved to los angeles, then europe, then nyc.. he tried to get inside my head, bc last week he said he wanted to take me out to dinner, and he called me monday to see if i wanted to work his shift, and i didnt call back.. and he was like "i called you again!" but i dont think he did. he says it rang like 6 times, and the voice mail didnt pick up. oh well. um, anyway, he says he knows my type, and ive probably been seriously burned in the past, so i dont trust people. and hes right. i mean, whenever he talks about wanting to get to know me, and take me out, im always like "riiiight" in my head, bc first of all, chevys is a way flirtacious scene, and just bc you *say* something doesnt always mean you mean it. and so it becomes hard to differentiate people really being interested and people just flirting. im not looking for anything serious, or really anything at all. my heart is with another, and its not fair for me to move on. i would only end up hurting someone. but yah, so then i was in the cab on my way home and he called me again to thank me for coming out. oh, and at the diner, his friends showed up, and i felt kinda uncomfortable bc ricardo was like "yah, i just started getting to know her tonight" and his friend, i think his name was will, goes "how could you not notice her?" like i wasnt there, or something. thats something you say when someone gets up to go to the bathroom, or after they leave. i didnt know what to say, or do, or anything, and i was just like huddled in my corner of the booth. but no one really looked to me to say anything, so it was eased a little.
my lungs feel like ive been abusing them. probably because i have. im tired, but im not ready to sleep. i think ill crossword first. i have to get up in 4.5 hours. ugh. i can do it though, i always do. its my normal friday/saturday routine to just be exhausted saturday night. mike is sleeping over tomorrow, i think. im sort of uncomfortable about it, since he bore his feelings of wanting to be more than friends.. cos i dont, and i dont wanna tell him that or talk about it. id rather it just ebb. you know. but it makes him mad to hear about the enigma bc he thinks i deserve better, and bc he wants to be with me and he cant bc im "obsessed" with someone else. we're going to the beach sunday, and hes gonna be in the city for a show.
i didnt hear from the enigma today. of course not. he's busy with laura, the love of his life. i wonder if hes sleeping beside her right now.. if she feels safe in his arms. i wonder if she knows, or has an suspicions that he is cheating on her. i wonder if she thinks he is a wonderful boyfriend who would never do anything to hurt her. i dont understand why i have to be the other woman. that means i have to know about her, and i have to greive that he is with another girl, but she doesnt know *anything*. i wonder if her world would be shattered to know that he sends dirty text messages to me, and that he tells me he wants me, and that he loves hooking up with me...
fucker. i fucking bore my soul to him last night and he couldnt even write back. "ive wanted to be with you for seven years" and nothing. i fucking allowed myself to be vulnerable. so the game will go on. i wont hear from him for a little while, but he'll be passing through some city and be reminded of me.. he says he thinks about me constantly, so he will be wondering about me.. if he isnt a liar, which he probably is. he probably *never* thinks of me. but i *know* that once they are in syracuse, he will think of me, from our first dirty text conversation that took place the night he was driving home from syracuse. he references the syracuse convo regularly. i know it stands out in his mind. i think he associates being in the van with dirty conversations. so he'll cave. ill hear from him. he'll miss me. maybe it'll be two weeks this time.
argh. my insides are a wreck. my stomach is having trouble processing food, as it does when i get upset like this. i feel anxious all the time. my chest hurts. maybe im going to have a heart attack and die.
the cure
i got a counter at the bottom of my webpage now. woooo. it says i have 7 hits, but that could all be me, since last night i was itching to see it, and kept clicking on my blog.
so. um, work was ok. i was in 3. i got to check sidework, which gives me an enormous amount of pleasure. i love writing peoples names on the board. however, its not much fun anymore. remember i talked about work names once before, and how im julie kanotherbier? and justin was dustin, shasta was sasha, kathy was katya, kim was camille... yah. they are all gone. julie remains stuck at the workplace. forever. back then *everyone* got similar names to their own on the sidework chart. now its boring, regular names. i had this one table that got a little bit too drunk, and the one guy was funny, he was talking to me, and after like 4 margaritas i cut him off.. and his friends were like "aw thats kinda insulting" but i chatted with them for a while, and i explained to them that its illegal to be drunk in public, so i cant serve you till yr trashed.. and then he was pretty smashed, and his friend came up to me, and he was like "wow, yr good at this.. he needed to be cut off!" and they left me $57 on $243. woooo!! thats more than 20%. YAY! after work i was tlaking to ricardo a bunch, and we decided to go to the diner. he was telling me about how his family had to flee guatamala city bc their lives were in danger, and how many people he has seen get shot, etc.. it was weird. he is very cultured. he was born in new orleans, moved to london with his mom til he was 9, then to guatamala city. then he moved to los angeles, then europe, then nyc.. he tried to get inside my head, bc last week he said he wanted to take me out to dinner, and he called me monday to see if i wanted to work his shift, and i didnt call back.. and he was like "i called you again!" but i dont think he did. he says it rang like 6 times, and the voice mail didnt pick up. oh well. um, anyway, he says he knows my type, and ive probably been seriously burned in the past, so i dont trust people. and hes right. i mean, whenever he talks about wanting to get to know me, and take me out, im always like "riiiight" in my head, bc first of all, chevys is a way flirtacious scene, and just bc you *say* something doesnt always mean you mean it. and so it becomes hard to differentiate people really being interested and people just flirting. im not looking for anything serious, or really anything at all. my heart is with another, and its not fair for me to move on. i would only end up hurting someone. but yah, so then i was in the cab on my way home and he called me again to thank me for coming out. oh, and at the diner, his friends showed up, and i felt kinda uncomfortable bc ricardo was like "yah, i just started getting to know her tonight" and his friend, i think his name was will, goes "how could you not notice her?" like i wasnt there, or something. thats something you say when someone gets up to go to the bathroom, or after they leave. i didnt know what to say, or do, or anything, and i was just like huddled in my corner of the booth. but no one really looked to me to say anything, so it was eased a little.
my lungs feel like ive been abusing them. probably because i have. im tired, but im not ready to sleep. i think ill crossword first. i have to get up in 4.5 hours. ugh. i can do it though, i always do. its my normal friday/saturday routine to just be exhausted saturday night. mike is sleeping over tomorrow, i think. im sort of uncomfortable about it, since he bore his feelings of wanting to be more than friends.. cos i dont, and i dont wanna tell him that or talk about it. id rather it just ebb. you know. but it makes him mad to hear about the enigma bc he thinks i deserve better, and bc he wants to be with me and he cant bc im "obsessed" with someone else. we're going to the beach sunday, and hes gonna be in the city for a show.
i didnt hear from the enigma today. of course not. he's busy with laura, the love of his life. i wonder if hes sleeping beside her right now.. if she feels safe in his arms. i wonder if she knows, or has an suspicions that he is cheating on her. i wonder if she thinks he is a wonderful boyfriend who would never do anything to hurt her. i dont understand why i have to be the other woman. that means i have to know about her, and i have to greive that he is with another girl, but she doesnt know *anything*. i wonder if her world would be shattered to know that he sends dirty text messages to me, and that he tells me he wants me, and that he loves hooking up with me...
fucker. i fucking bore my soul to him last night and he couldnt even write back. "ive wanted to be with you for seven years" and nothing. i fucking allowed myself to be vulnerable. so the game will go on. i wont hear from him for a little while, but he'll be passing through some city and be reminded of me.. he says he thinks about me constantly, so he will be wondering about me.. if he isnt a liar, which he probably is. he probably *never* thinks of me. but i *know* that once they are in syracuse, he will think of me, from our first dirty text conversation that took place the night he was driving home from syracuse. he references the syracuse convo regularly. i know it stands out in his mind. i think he associates being in the van with dirty conversations. so he'll cave. ill hear from him. he'll miss me. maybe it'll be two weeks this time.
argh. my insides are a wreck. my stomach is having trouble processing food, as it does when i get upset like this. i feel anxious all the time. my chest hurts. maybe im going to have a heart attack and die.
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