is it too late to heal?

it's true. i hate getting older. i hate the way i feel, or rather, the way i *don't* feel. or maybe it's just me, it's just right now. there is no emotion in anything. it's empty. i listen to songs that used to wretch my insides into tiny little shreds, shards of what the writer was thinking, stabbing me with every intense chord.. the songs have a tinge of what they were, for a second i'll remember angst and desperation and all the things they used to make me feel, but it's fleeting. it's never genuine, it's a vague recollection.

i need that back. i need to feel lightning in my soul. i need to feel those intense emotions, the longing, the passion, the life that burst out of me when listening to music, when reading a book, when watching a particularly heart-wrenching episode of law & order. i want to cry happy tears when i see a sappy commercial on tv.

when i was so intense, i hated it. i imagined my life as a level emotioned girl who was always riding an easy day with no crazy emotions. i don't know what the fuck was wrong with me, because, seriously, this drone of nothingness is super crappy. like SUPER crappy.

i hate my boyfriend. hate. i mean, it's bad. i cringe and the thought of his touch. when i printed out pictures from my brother's wedding, i intentionally chose none of the pictures of he and i because i was embarassed. no, really. i was. because i can't stand him, i'm not even a little attracted to him. i was afraid my coworkers would think "ew" when they saw the pictures, so i simply omitted them. oops. when i feel obligated to have sex with him, i have to think about other stuff. since there are about zero men i'm attracted to right now (well, there is that one, but i feel as if i have fallen from grace in his life, and i'm a little sad about that), i distract myself with things like different people's skills at making deviled eggs (linda makes the best ones), or when the i last ate grilled cheese. i try to keep my face hidden so the grimaces that simply appear without passing through my thoughts first might go unnoticed by the man i'm pretending to enjoy having sex with. or maybe i'm not even pretending anymore.

i have this mental countdown of the days until we can finally part ways. november 1, or if one of us feels like it's time to split up before then. actually, he thinks we're "thinking about things while trying to work on our problems until we have to make a decision about a new lease." but i know it's over. i just wish he would realize it and do the breaking up. it would make my life so much easier. when he comes home from work late, i hope that's he's cheating on me. i even cross my fingers.

i'm 26 years old. i consistently fall in love with who i imagine people to be. i constantly make bad decisions when dealing with relationships. i confuse lust for love. i was convinced that i was in love with joe for like three years. three years! the butterflies and the amazing sex had me completely fooled, but no. it was not love. it was lust. i thought i was in love with mike. everyone said he was perfect for me. i figured i make a lot of mistakes, maybe other people know better what's right for me. i gave it a chance. i loved the attention and having someone to fall asleep with every night after more than three years of falling alseep longing for someone who was fucking 17 year old girls. and in a month and half, at most, i will be single again. and twenty six and a HALF. halfway through my 27th year and still single. i thought i'd be married by the time i was 27. i thought i'd be pregnant, on my way to a beautiful family. but nothing lasts. everything fades. and if i were to break up with mike, and then magically become involved with the man i have harbored feelings for for ten years, what's to say that won't be amazing and then fizzle into nights spent cringing at his touch, and dreading the routine of unwanted sex? granted he is beautiful and someone i am not likely to stop feeling the attraction to, but. i don't know. i still get a crazy butterfly feeling when i think about the way things were with joe, the anticipation. of course he is not of whom i speak. he has a young girlfriend, which is perfect for him, as his maturity level is that of an 18 year old boy. no, this is my second boyfriend, the gorgeous man he has become. whom i have secretly loved since he played "just like heaven" on the stage of the funhouse in june of 1996. the night we met. he's seeing someone. i secretly hate her. i had all my friends stalking her myspace. they insisted i'm prettier than her, but seriously.. does that really matter?

life is so confusing. it really is, and i really hate it. there better be a great prize at the end for all of this poop i wade through on a daily basis.

it's 1230am. i'm tired.

goodnight.